STEP RIGHT UP TO ST. KITCH'S FRYING CHURCHUS!
The following is not for the faint of heart...also those who don't like it when I make fun of people...but that isn't you I mean you're reading this. ANYWAY...ST. KITCH'S CELEBRIPASTOR FREAKSHOW!
This is going to be a long post. I've got a lot to say so strap yourself in.
Exibit 1: The World's Oldest Teenager: At 40 years old, Mark Driscoll still has the mind of a 16 year old.
He often gets in trouble for using "spicy" language. Remeber these are evangelicals so "spicy talk" means the word "crap" and "damn" when it's not talking about God damning the catholics and gays. He has said he "can't worship a Jesus he could beat up" called stay-at-home dads lazy and sinful for not providing for their wives. Basically he's a mega-conservative old man who dresses like he's in highschool. What really gets him in trouble and I'm sure gives him a raging hardon when he's preaching is talking about THE SONG OF SOLOMON where he takes all the allegory and beautiful metaphore and makes it very explicit. For example, the "my love is a garden sealed" line which is clearly a sort of *wink wink* to anyone reading it from the human point of view (it also is praise of virginity if you read it my way...but that's for another blog another day) he just goes right out there "HE'S TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS AND WHEN HE'S TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS AND RIVERS HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA GETS WET GUYS SO YOU SHOULD BLOW ON YOUR WIFE'S WET VAGINA." UHM, excuse me?! So anyway all this nasty talk gets him in trouble with his peers. What shocks me, however, is how no one calls him out on spousal abuse. In his raunchy talks he often talks about how he loves to get blow jobs from his wife, and how he loves to eat his wife out and all that nasty disgusting stuff you'd NEVER want to hear about your priest...it's not his right no matter how you look at it to talk about his wife sexually for audiences of hundreds and maybe even thousands. I would call it spousal abuse, frankly, to use your wife like that. He just grosses me out all over.
2: JOHN PIPER
Ok, after all that vagina talk, put your boner away because we're going to the exact opposite. This guy is so calvanist he'd make calvin himself vomit. Now, incase you can't tell, I'm not a fan of calvinism because if Jesus only died for the "elect" or "special", I promise you I'm not one of them. But once again another blog another day. SO this guy...ok I'm just going to put up some things he's said and leave it at that because he makes me sick.
After the planes flew into the Twin Towers in New York, I was interviewed and people would ask me, “Where was God in this?” I said, “Well, God could have very easily blown those planes off course by a little puff of wind, and he didn’t do it. Therefore God was right there ordaining that this happen, because he could have stopped it just like that.” Everybody who believes in God should say that, because that is how powerful he is, as it was said of Jesus, “The winds obey him” (Matthew 8:27). And so just a simple wind by the command of Jesus would have blown those planes away and they would have crashed and 60 people would have died instead of thousands of people. But he didn’t do that. Why is it comforting to believe that?
The answer is because there are 10,000 orphans who wonder if they have a future. Will they have a future if God isn’t powerful for them? I’m coming to those families and I’m saying when they ask me, “Do you think God ordained the death of my daddy?” I say, “Yes. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. But the very power by which God governs all evils enables him to govern your life. And he has total authority to turn this and every other evil in your life for your everlasting good. And that’s your only hope in this world and in the next. And therefore, if you sacrifice the sovereignty of God in order to get him off the hook in the death of your daddy, you sacrifice everything. You don’t want to go there.”
The sovereignty of God, while creating problems for his involvement in sin and evil, is the very rock-solid foundation that enables us to carry on in life. Where would we turn if we didn’t have a God to help us deal with the very evils that he has ordained come into our lives? So yes, absolutely, I believe in the sovereignty of God and I believe in its comforting effects.
What I just learned: God makes evil to make us feel better for making that evil...
3. JAMES WHITE
Now, I'm not sure if this guy's a pastor, but I've got a bone to pick with his old-school anti catholicism shenanegans.
1) He is obsessed...OBSESSED with debating. It's all he ever does. Which smacks of self-will and self-love because when you start debating the amount he does you're clearly trying the prove YOU are right and smart etc. etc. Not only that, but when he loses (which he often does, because its hard to prove falsity) he will start to call out the other person on "tone of voice" and not "citing exactly" basicall he turns into your english teacher yelling at you about MLA format. Not only that, but if he wins he will then basically do exactly what he just called them out for. Anyway, I'm also afriad of him because there's a fundamentalist I know who thinks I'm the devil and he's obsessed with this guy. And he basically spends the same amount of time on his Alpha and Omega whateverness as I do on fisheaters.
4. Paul Washer
UGH! This f*cking guy! Don't get me started! Ok, let me walk you through it.
A) I think it is frankly a crime against the Gospel to think we have to scare people into believing in Jesus. And that is this guy's specialty. I don't get the concept of thinking that we have to tell people about all the different fires of Hell and all the torture devices the devil's got ready for you but if you'll only cling to Jesus He'll save you! (Or, as a fundy I know puts it "the mirror of God's law shows us we are but dead bones!") Ok, yeah I get that, but how is a faith LITERALLY founded on having the f*ck scared out of you going to produce anything?
B)Doing these techniques almost entirley on teenagers, who are already very emotionaly manipulate-able (it's too early to spell. besides, this is the internet and spelling doesn't count)so you can get a good altar call.
C)Something I'd like to say just in general that I think Paul Washer personifies pretty well...a lot of "discernmentalists" and "reform" people like to scream that verse about "scratch their itching ears!" about anyone that preaches about Grace and the love of God and maybe something not exactly what people have always said. But haven't you EVER though that by A) labeling YOURS as the 1 and only Gospel B) Screaming about HELLFIRE and DAMNATION OF SINNERS and then BUT ONLY YOUR FAITH WILL SAVE YOU! DON'T BRING ME ANY GOD-DAMN GOOD WORKS! JUST BELIEVE! to put a false sense of fear and guilt into someone and then make them feel better about their sins might just be ear-scratching too? Ugh...
If you can stomach it...
OK NOW FOR THE DISCLAIMER
DON'T BITCH AT ME FUNDIES. THIS IS A BLOG WHERE I MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE AND I MAKE FUN OF THINGS. THESE ARE JUST THE THINGS I DISLIKE ABOUT CERTAIN CELEBRIPASTORS THAT SEEM TO ENJOY THEIR FAME MORE THAN THEIR GOD. THAT BEING SAID, THEY DO HAVE INTERESTING, TRUE, THOUGHT PROVOKING AND GODLY THINGS TO SAY SOMETIMES. IN FACT, JOHN PIPER ISN'T COMPLETLEY CRAZY, I SOMETIMES ENJOY WHAT HE SAYS. JUST NOT ABOUT CALVINISM. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT MY HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE COMMENTS ARE SAID OUT OF JEST. LITERALY, JUST JOKING Y'ALL.