Friday, April 30, 2010
It's time for a little...gloooooooooooooooooooooowry
ok now, I don't know if you know this, but pentecostalism gets under my skin. I guess I can say I admire their devotion and commitment, and their ability to not really care what people think when they're worshipping and stuff like that, ok.
But what I don't get is....
And, there's this new breed of them which...now at the risk of sounding like a fundie...I think they might genuinley be opening themselves up to the devil:
At least it's on the tongue! TAKE NOTES.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Today in St. Kitch's Frying Churchcus we are going to listen to the VOICE OF PROTESTANTISM, no, not Luther....
CRAPPY JESUS MUSIC!
THE FOLLOWING ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS TO LISTEN TO.
IF YOU CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE CLICK ON THE EMERGENCY BUTTON
TO NULLIFY THE EFFECTS
SCARY update: If you press play on each of them and start them all together....they almost sound.........good.........
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
1) On the first tuesdays of every month, attend "Passover Meal of Yeshua Messiah" and recieve a piece of old el passo soft taco and a shot glass of welch's with reverence.
2) Spend thirteen minutes meditating upon any of the icons which the dear Saint has created
3) Wear a St. Thomas of Kinkade scapular, and recite five decades of homophobic slurs daily.
O, St. Thomas of Kinkade, whose protection is so great, so strong, so prompt before the throne of God, I place in you all my unfortunate taste. Oh, St. Thomas, do assist me to force myself to hang up an Icon of our Lord God in my living room
Oh, St. Thomas, help me by thine intercession to live my Best Life Now, and by hanging up these thine visions of the Heavenly Realms, jilt and shove down the throats of my heathen aquaintences and the hot tub repairmen that I am a Christian, and an American, and not a godlessbabykillingliberalcommiepinkfaggot.
Oh, St. Thomas of Kinkade, pray for those who commit the sin of idolatry by worshipping statues or obama, for the idolatrus Catholic and the idolatrus democrat.
And let those evil spirits, prowling about the world seeking the ruin of THE BEST COUNTRY IN THE WHOLE WORLD be cast into Hell for their idolatry, because this is in no way, shape or form the worship of an idiology or a political belief or a country or an america that never exsisted. The only good communist is a dead communist,
Here is Our Lord Jesus singing The Star Spangled Banner, and showing you the proper way to wear a St. Thomas of Kinkade Scapular.
Monday, April 26, 2010
what in the hell is this?
Aerosol Jesus? Jesus in a can? Passion of the Whizz? Whatever it is, there's 20% more.
I babblefished the can and it apparently says "legitimate oil incense, myrh, Three Kings" so it's basicaly "HIS ESSENCE" for old spanish women named "Maria Maria de la Maria Conswella De Le Maria de Jesus"'s bathrooms.
God i love it.
The following is not for the faint of heart...also those who don't like it when I make fun of people...but that isn't you I mean you're reading this. ANYWAY...ST. KITCH'S CELEBRIPASTOR FREAKSHOW!
This is going to be a long post. I've got a lot to say so strap yourself in.
Exibit 1: The World's Oldest Teenager: At 40 years old, Mark Driscoll still has the mind of a 16 year old.
He often gets in trouble for using "spicy" language. Remeber these are evangelicals so "spicy talk" means the word "crap" and "damn" when it's not talking about God damning the catholics and gays. He has said he "can't worship a Jesus he could beat up" called stay-at-home dads lazy and sinful for not providing for their wives. Basically he's a mega-conservative old man who dresses like he's in highschool. What really gets him in trouble and I'm sure gives him a raging hardon when he's preaching is talking about THE SONG OF SOLOMON where he takes all the allegory and beautiful metaphore and makes it very explicit. For example, the "my love is a garden sealed" line which is clearly a sort of *wink wink* to anyone reading it from the human point of view (it also is praise of virginity if you read it my way...but that's for another blog another day) he just goes right out there "HE'S TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS AND WHEN HE'S TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS AND RIVERS HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA GETS WET GUYS SO YOU SHOULD BLOW ON YOUR WIFE'S WET VAGINA." UHM, excuse me?! So anyway all this nasty talk gets him in trouble with his peers. What shocks me, however, is how no one calls him out on spousal abuse. In his raunchy talks he often talks about how he loves to get blow jobs from his wife, and how he loves to eat his wife out and all that nasty disgusting stuff you'd NEVER want to hear about your priest...it's not his right no matter how you look at it to talk about his wife sexually for audiences of hundreds and maybe even thousands. I would call it spousal abuse, frankly, to use your wife like that. He just grosses me out all over.
2: JOHN PIPER
Ok, after all that vagina talk, put your boner away because we're going to the exact opposite. This guy is so calvanist he'd make calvin himself vomit. Now, incase you can't tell, I'm not a fan of calvinism because if Jesus only died for the "elect" or "special", I promise you I'm not one of them. But once again another blog another day. SO this guy...ok I'm just going to put up some things he's said and leave it at that because he makes me sick.
After the planes flew into the Twin Towers in New York, I was interviewed and people would ask me, “Where was God in this?” I said, “Well, God could have very easily blown those planes off course by a little puff of wind, and he didn’t do it. Therefore God was right there ordaining that this happen, because he could have stopped it just like that.” Everybody who believes in God should say that, because that is how powerful he is, as it was said of Jesus, “The winds obey him” (Matthew 8:27). And so just a simple wind by the command of Jesus would have blown those planes away and they would have crashed and 60 people would have died instead of thousands of people. But he didn’t do that. Why is it comforting to believe that?
The answer is because there are 10,000 orphans who wonder if they have a future. Will they have a future if God isn’t powerful for them? I’m coming to those families and I’m saying when they ask me, “Do you think God ordained the death of my daddy?” I say, “Yes. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. But the very power by which God governs all evils enables him to govern your life. And he has total authority to turn this and every other evil in your life for your everlasting good. And that’s your only hope in this world and in the next. And therefore, if you sacrifice the sovereignty of God in order to get him off the hook in the death of your daddy, you sacrifice everything. You don’t want to go there.”
The sovereignty of God, while creating problems for his involvement in sin and evil, is the very rock-solid foundation that enables us to carry on in life. Where would we turn if we didn’t have a God to help us deal with the very evils that he has ordained come into our lives? So yes, absolutely, I believe in the sovereignty of God and I believe in its comforting effects.
What I just learned: God makes evil to make us feel better for making that evil...
3. JAMES WHITE
Now, I'm not sure if this guy's a pastor, but I've got a bone to pick with his old-school anti catholicism shenanegans.
1) He is obsessed...OBSESSED with debating. It's all he ever does. Which smacks of self-will and self-love because when you start debating the amount he does you're clearly trying the prove YOU are right and smart etc. etc. Not only that, but when he loses (which he often does, because its hard to prove falsity) he will start to call out the other person on "tone of voice" and not "citing exactly" basicall he turns into your english teacher yelling at you about MLA format. Not only that, but if he wins he will then basically do exactly what he just called them out for. Anyway, I'm also afriad of him because there's a fundamentalist I know who thinks I'm the devil and he's obsessed with this guy. And he basically spends the same amount of time on his Alpha and Omega whateverness as I do on fisheaters.
4. Paul Washer
UGH! This f*cking guy! Don't get me started! Ok, let me walk you through it.
A) I think it is frankly a crime against the Gospel to think we have to scare people into believing in Jesus. And that is this guy's specialty. I don't get the concept of thinking that we have to tell people about all the different fires of Hell and all the torture devices the devil's got ready for you but if you'll only cling to Jesus He'll save you! (Or, as a fundy I know puts it "the mirror of God's law shows us we are but dead bones!") Ok, yeah I get that, but how is a faith LITERALLY founded on having the f*ck scared out of you going to produce anything?
B)Doing these techniques almost entirley on teenagers, who are already very emotionaly manipulate-able (it's too early to spell. besides, this is the internet and spelling doesn't count)so you can get a good altar call.
C)Something I'd like to say just in general that I think Paul Washer personifies pretty well...a lot of "discernmentalists" and "reform" people like to scream that verse about "scratch their itching ears!" about anyone that preaches about Grace and the love of God and maybe something not exactly what people have always said. But haven't you EVER though that by A) labeling YOURS as the 1 and only Gospel B) Screaming about HELLFIRE and DAMNATION OF SINNERS and then BUT ONLY YOUR FAITH WILL SAVE YOU! DON'T BRING ME ANY GOD-DAMN GOOD WORKS! JUST BELIEVE! to put a false sense of fear and guilt into someone and then make them feel better about their sins might just be ear-scratching too? Ugh...
If you can stomach it...
OK NOW FOR THE DISCLAIMER
DON'T BITCH AT ME FUNDIES. THIS IS A BLOG WHERE I MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE AND I MAKE FUN OF THINGS. THESE ARE JUST THE THINGS I DISLIKE ABOUT CERTAIN CELEBRIPASTORS THAT SEEM TO ENJOY THEIR FAME MORE THAN THEIR GOD. THAT BEING SAID, THEY DO HAVE INTERESTING, TRUE, THOUGHT PROVOKING AND GODLY THINGS TO SAY SOMETIMES. IN FACT, JOHN PIPER ISN'T COMPLETLEY CRAZY, I SOMETIMES ENJOY WHAT HE SAYS. JUST NOT ABOUT CALVINISM. SO PLEASE KNOW THAT MY HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE COMMENTS ARE SAID OUT OF JEST. LITERALY, JUST JOKING Y'ALL.
Take a gander at our first attraction:
A Gaggle of Crappy Bibles:
Feast your eyes upon the ways which the Scripture has been treated by...uhm..."christians" (and by "christians" i mean "americans")
THE PRINCESS BIBLE:
Don't you dare pull any "daughter of the King" BS, sir, inflating a child's ego usually ends up with me being bullied for the first 15 years of my life. Let's be honest "daddy's little princess"es usualy end up being "school's biggest bitch" and they'll be the ones crying on the news about the school shooting. Oh! I mean, "Enjoy your bible!"
Couldn't find just the "plain" edition of this one. Anyway, this is the
PERSONAL PROMISE BIBLE:
A Bible that literally takes every phrase that says "you" or is about someone that is directed to everyone and changes the name to you. It will also change some places to your spouse's name, and home town.
So, John 3:16 would be rended "For God so loved Frank that He gave His only begotten Son, so that Frank believing in Him would not perish but have everlasting life" Which I guess is a nice way of putting it and I can see that...but...To whom God was pleased to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles, which is Christ in Frank, the hope of glory. Col. 1:27
If the Bible has taught me anything...it's that it's NOT ABOUT ME. They don't have a free sample of Mat. 25 or James 2, which I'm sure "You see that a Frank is not justified by Frank alone" not to mention after a while all of the pages seem to say the equivalent of "God was pleased to Frank in Frank and Franking Franked the Franking Franker of Frank in Frankington"
The "MANGA MESSIAH" featuring all 4 Gospels put in graphic novel form.
I have an embarssing secret to tell you. I own this. It was given to me as a gift, and I'm not going to lie it's actually kind of neat. That being said, the BVM is rendered into Celia from Harvest Moon and spends all her time running around going "GAAH!^__^" And also: about 99 precent of this manga thing is just "look at how hot Jesus is!"
And finally, THE MESSAGE BIBLE or: HOW IN THE F*CK DID YOU GET THERE? Bible
Now, ok, I get the idea of having the Bible in contemp. language, because that's what it was written in originally. People talked in old english at one time, right?
Anyway, as a person who has taken and nearly failed a Greek class (which means I can now THROW MY OPINION AT SOMEONE and attatch "Greek class" at the end of it and it's credible. So suck it, James White.)I know the Message is kind of BS...let's take a look at some of their finest examples of "contemporary" language:
KJV (because it's beside me and I don't feel like getting up):Blessed is the man that hath not walked in the consel of the ungodly, nor stood in the way of sinners, and hath not sat in the seat of the scornful
Message: How well God must like you - you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road, you don't go to Smart-Mouth College
NOT. EVEN. KIDDING. (And I do go to smart-mouth college. It's called "Your mom" and it said "you're ugly")
Thank God there is not Message apocrapha, else "Bel and the Dragon" would be rendered "Belle and the Boogeyman"
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"Well...what about Christian men that are scared they don't 'witness' enough at work? Oooh! Especially "quirky" ones"
YES from the maker of MARY PANTIES it's JESUS TIES. He might have hung on a Cross already...but that doesn't stop Him from hanging from your neck!
For the maritime Protestant, it's LORD TUNDERIN' JESUSIN' CHRIST tie, for Sundays to let the heathens in your church know how much you love the Lord.
The EASTER tie for all your Rosary praying needs. Bored at Mass? Yes you are. Pray a couple Sorrowful Mysteries and then one of the Glorious ones! By then you'll be so bored of the Rosary you'll be Ok with the rest of the Mass!
In a double feature: BAS or BCP this week hon? Tie. If your Anglican Church swaps prayer books around like a bi-binary skank, come prepared for both options! For your low-Curch BAS needs, we have PROTESTANT RISEN JESUS which finds the balance between hilarious irony and devotion. And by balance I mean neither. And a more traditional stained-glass tie for the BCP. I have nothing snarky to say about the BCP....
For your YOUTH PASTOR! Having trouble fitting in with your emergent youth group that likes bells and smells and latin but doesn't really believe in anything? Slap this Jesus-of-Nazareth movie lookin' deal on your neck and you're half way to a tattoo!
And finally, the SACRED HEART TIE for the Traditional Catholic in all of us. On the go? Can't keep the ladies from following your tie down to its natural conclusion? (And i think you get what I'm implyyyyying) Stick the Sacred Heart on it and you'll have the ladies doing their first Friday devotions to your chest! It's a win-win!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
I don't have any sassy captions or anything because I'm just so jaw-on-the-floor embarassed I live in the same world as Thomas Kinkade.
.......there's the next theme week, y'all!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
"I love you...handsome angel..."
"I love you back Debbie. I just...ok, can I ask an awkward question?"
"Well I just---Ok---I---HOO ok I'll just dive in, where the hell are your legs?"
"I mean really...in this flowing nightgowny thing you put on every time I come over you just sort of look like you have an enlarged nub at the end of your torso---"
"SHUT UP AND CARESS ME HANDSOME ANGEL OR I'M REPORTING YOU TO TO CATCH A PREDATOR."
"Oh...sorry, I was just wondering"
"You just shut up and leave me and my nub alone you sunnofabitch"
Saturday, April 17, 2010
"CHRISTINE you may NOT sing that to the baby Jesus"
"Because it's inapropriate that's why. We didn't come all the way down here to have you just sing about how fat the baby Jesus is getting. You know how sensitive He gets. You saw what He did to Horton after he made fun of His bald spot..."
Friday, April 16, 2010
Defend us in sexiness
Be our safegaurd against the wickedness and snares of the ugly,
May GQ rebuke them, we boldly pray
And do thou, O Prince of the fashionistia party,
By the power of Herbal Essences
Cast into Wal Mart Glenn Beck
And all the ugly people
Who prowel throughout the mall
Seeking the ruin of hair
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"Did you hear that noise, Obadiah?!"
"No? What noise? You're just scaring me for your jollies, Broonhilda!"
"No such a thing, Obadiah! 'Round here's the Water Witch!"
"What water witch?!"
"She has the body of a woman...and the wings of a bird...and she swoops down upon unsuspecting white children and gobbles them up!"
"Oh, HOLD ME Broonhilda!"
seriously, wth is with all the scary angels you can find.
To celebrate the 100th kitschy post, here is the kitschiest thing I can think of:
BATH TUB SHRINES
This is the music that is playing in my head the whole time this blog is being written/read. Only I wish it was being played on an organ...
(p.s. to me the music and the people remind me of this mega-VII church down the road from me. no lie.)
And or my 101 or my 93rd, because turns out blogspot can't count. Sorry y'all. Oh well, let's celebrate anyway. b'dump bum DUM B'dump bum bum
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ok, first of all, whoever is typing needs to either lose some weight since they keepmaschingthaeirkeayboardliykehtiashis OR learn to speak english since, I kid you not they typed int
GET A LITTLE SELF ESTEEM.
2)I think Our Lord deserves a bit more credit than Google.
3)If St. Paul wrote us today...I know he would mention "and stop trying to compair Jesus to things in the modern world. I mean REALLY come on. I know Christianity translates over time and space...but this just looks desperate and cliche."
You know...whenever I imagine the battle in Heaven when St. Michael the Archangel kicked satan and his cronies out into the abyss...there isn't that much flailing going on. A little less chasing a mouse with a broom and a little more BOOM SUCK IT DEVIL...you know what I mean?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ooch! This is painful...like...bordering on blasphemy. Also: Adorable.
I am in love with the Infant of Prauge wearing an ironic tank top, ironic hat and ironic sweat pants. Our opening hymn is by Animal Collective...
DAVID'S GOT SOUUUUUL!
Uploaded by everythingisterrible. - See the latest featured music videos.
I blame Luther.
Quick update that just popped into my head about this monstrosity...I've never seen a david and goliath story video/book or whatever that talked about how David CUT OFF HIS HEAD after he fell down...you know...i think maybe that had more to do with it than the little rock.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
They are candles that smell like Jesus is supposed to smell accoarding to some obscure bible verses ripped out of their original context. But i think it is HILARIOUS. PLUS, I like candles, and Jesus...and given the rules of theological capatlization they will become Candles !!
OK. SO. If, perhaps, out there, somewhere, someone could find it in their heart to buy one of these for me (im interested in the one called "servanthood". Because that is some funny stuff." "MMM! What's that smell?!" "Servanthood" "What? Is that like...a plant?") I will be eternally in their debt.
I'm 99% going to buy the original scent one actually, because that is HILARIOUS "HOW, oh HOW shall we captalize off our Lord?" "I know! Candles!" "You mean like for Churches?" "NO!! FOR RICH AMERICANS! So they can pretend their house smells like Jesus" "I'm liking where this is going..."
But, dear chillens, this is not the place where class is king.
No, it is the place where something as god awful as this:
Yes, this is "Divine Mercy Hills" a place were the Divine Mercy is made...what else...kitschy as hell.