Wednesday, September 29, 2010
St. Michael, the defender of dashboards
The protector of S&M fetishes and fans of the movie '300'
And patron of weaponry/phallic symbolism (you hear me lady gaga? don't think 'alejandro' just HAPPENS.)
Monday, September 27, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Not only that, but this year it is on a Sunday, so its important that your child is both prepared and also not dressed up like a common pagan. Here are some ideas for costumes to keep your kid out of Hell and full of candy!
(p.s. God help me if I ever have kids I'm actually going to be the parent dressing them in this stuff.)
This Jedi costume EASILY becomes a Carmelite nun for halloween!
STOP CRYING MARIE. MARIE, LOOK AT THE CAMERA MARIE. MARIE YOU ARE NOT BEING A JEDI FOR HALLOWEEN WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE, PROTESTANTS? MARIE. MARIE NOTHING IS SCARIER THAN TB OK?
Your sister gets to be the BVM for halloween because you were last year. Listen, I don't hear your brother complaining.
LISTEN, KIDDO, I'VE HAD ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR LIP. YOUR BROTHER IS NOT SAINT JOSEPH. HE IS NOT MARRIED TO HIS LITTLE SISTER. MARIE IF YOU KEEP UP THIS COMPLAINING WE'RE NOT GOING OUT. Your brother is St. Casimir of Poland. Really? Your wig itchy? Oh, offer it up dear. Listen---MARIE---
---Your father does NOT look like an idiot. He looks very holy. No, Joey, you didn't eat your father at Mass this Sunday.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
but the beautiful bastard has gone on and made a proclamation of SOLIDARITY WITH THIS BLOG IN OPTING TO CHOOSE THE WORST POSSIBLE SONG to be his theme song for his visit to Britian. I can only guess it's either chosen ironically, or (like me) finding the beauty in the worst things possible (I'm looking at you nancy grace.)
yes this monstrosity is actually a song the pope has heard and decided to make his theme song. maybe the poor dear has lost his hearing....he does wear an awful lot of hats.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
(I also would like to call this post "shooting myself in the foot" but I basically don't care.)
I won't single anyone out, but lets just say once anyone finds out I think the U2charist is blasphemous I have to sit through some tirade about people's spirituality or whatever. I get the whole secular-song-with-person-religious-meanings thing, I do that too...but the idea of making the experience of singing u2 in a church, flashing lights, a name mocking a true title, calling attention to the liturgy itself rather than who the liturgy is for...kind of....lets just...hmm...how can I put this?...
When the music, the experience, the idea, the fundraising becomes the object and focus of a liturgy, even accidently or on purpose like in the u2charist you risk being put into my cavilcade (am I using that word correctly? it sounds nice anyway cavilcade cavilcade cavilcade) of abuse of the liturgy.
I wonder if trendy muslims desperate for butts in the seats that have the Mecca-rayna.
OH, and P.S. there is a certain person who owes me a serious muffin basket after not doing the original commentary on a video of theirs I had planned.
Friday, September 17, 2010
"But wait!" I hear you say "how can a song be liturgical abuse?" to that I say "you have clearly confused reading with talking now stop interupting me"
ANYWAY on with the faith-destroying soul-crushing ear-bleeding hymns!
...every time I hear that opening stanza I can feel the Virgin Mary facepalm. Then when that first "cooooooome LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEve in the laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayt" all the angels putting down their thuribles in frustration.
and I'm saying this as an Irishman. Fick off and go shet in your hat with this hymn. Jesus comes off a bit...I don't know...Krishna-ee in this song.
Another one of those opening stanzas that instantly makes me mentaly check out. It's enough to make my mantilla take flight!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
and by "abuse" this time i literally mean the devil pushed him.
also: although there's some abuse here (im looking at you pushing-demon.) they are also very good liturgists. KEEP SINGING. IT DOESNT MATTER WHATS GOING ON AROUND YOU. YOU. KEEP. SINGING.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
now i like soccer as much as the next person who is kind of intersted in soccer a little bit, but I have a secret to tell all of you die-hard fans. Jesus is really not intersted in who wins the world cup. I know! Scandal! Shocker! Jesus might have more important things on His to-do list (like i don't know, save babies, try to get you to Heaven etc.) than who wins a game of kick-ball.
ALSO this priest got in a loooooooooooooooot of trouble from his bishop (AS HE SHOULD HAVE P.S.) for doing this...guess he just can't feel the breeze of the Holy Spirit a-blowin' through the Church these days. Boy the Holy Spirit sure gets up to some crazy sh!t now-a-days. No more of this healing the sick B.S. ... WE WANT CRAPPY MEANINGLESS LITURGY AND WE WANT IT NOW.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Let's start with something light...an apitizer of the sh!t storm we're about to experience
just in time for 2 months before halloween, it's a Roman Catholic halloween mass!
ok...what's the problem? Just watch and find out.
Say what you want about protestants, at least when the devil is handing out communion at their churches they don't TELL you about it.
(p.s. i wrote "romance catholic" the first time. who can tell i've still got the VMA's on the brain. Really? A meat dress? I'm a for reals gaga fan but....really?)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Sept. 13-20 shall be...
For the lowest rate gaurenteed, St. Kitsch can provide you with a wide array of Scapulars to protect against plauge, being gunned down by mexican hoods, bad hair days, and yes, even Eternal Damnation.
we are not responsible if you are indeed damned, it's your own fault for trusting a peice of felt with a picture of mary on it with your soul.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Today as I was out walking and praying I felt very at one with the Powerful Ancient Rythm that is the Seasons. To everything there is a Season, so the saying goes, and I feel this very powerfully in the morning.
All is still.
All is quiet.
These are images I found on a delightful internet website by a very holy and blessed man of the Fransican tradition who makes icons that challenge the preceptions of those stuck in their ways, unable to see the breeze the Spirit of God is blowing on Her children's sails.
First, we have The LORD of the Dance
Here, meditate on the Cosmic Christ's heart as the DRUM BEAT of the UNIVERSAL DANCE, and the Sacred Bush.
And here is Christ with a messed up goat. Meditate on Christ's Words to the Goats in Matthew 25...depart from me into the garbage dump, until your soul becomes one with my consiousness. (Matthew 25, verse 4 or something, from the New Revised Inclusive Edition)
Behold...the Quezecotal Christ of the Aztec Christian Tradition. In the Aztect Christian Tradition, Christ is seen not as a man at odds with Womyn, nor as a man at all, but rather sees It as a Feathered Serpent, much inline with ancient ideas about the devil before the Enlightenment. Meditiate upon the Quezecotalsoagja,dhjrioaisjdicjhtpoakd Christ's love for Womankind shown here in It's bursting chemical clouds, and snarling fanged teeth.
This Icon is of the Sacred Dance of Creation [I'm not even shitting you right now]in which the Wizard Christ gives up His Horcux to Lord Voldemort in order to ensure the safety of wytches and wyzyrds everywhere. The dance of Creation never ends!!!!!!!!1
And finally, sisters, the Celtic Trinity for those who struggle with the image of God as Father (would Christ have EVER called the Universe's Engery "father" knowing how uninclusive that word really was?!) we have Mother, Daughter and Sacred Wisdom. It matters not that not one of these womyn are celtic. This is the inclusive world!
MAY THE DANCE OF GODS LOVE DANCE IN YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU ONE WITH THE CREATIVE FORCE OF THE UNIVERSE! AMEN!
p.s. this is the LAST TIME i try to pull a Fr. Longnecker and write a post as a fake liberal. I feel positivley icky.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
and his boy-toy McGee
Have a new Mass
and it's a f*cking doo-zee!
Dr. Suess at the Altar
With Thing one and Thing two
As far as Blasphemy goes
This one's not even cool!
With talk of our youth
but only seven in sight
A once holy church
Quivers in fright
And to talk of Zaccheus
On a ladder of hieght
Doesn't redeem at all
This great pile of shite!
Even the Things can tell
these aren't good choices!
And, yes! They said "Bread and Wine"
In afected voices!
For you see, oh dear chillens,
If this is what's to come,
Get me a telephone
Alright enough f*cking rhyming
And get this God-Awful pink text off me please!
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. THERE I SAID IT WITHOUT A STAR AND EVERYTHING. JESUS WOULD SAY FUCK ABOUT THIS.
I swear this is real, I thought for sure it was a mockumentary, but no.
Seriously, seriously, I can't even begin. The only thing I can actual articulate are the following:
1) "...and invinte you to tea! Actualy.........bread and wine."
This is the most pretentious thing i've ever heard in my whole life. I literally gagged when i heard it and had to consecrate myself to Our Lady like 85 times to calm myself down!
2) "One Bread Two Bread Me Bread You Bread"
*Gasp!* Did you hear that too! It's the thousands of martyrs who died for the Eucharist rolling in their reliquaries!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Before I begin, let me once again say I'm about as pro-life as you can get.
But i am now about to unleash the greatest pro-choice argument that has ever been.
Umbert the unborn is a..."comic" written by a clinically insane man named Gary Cangemi about a devloping baby named 'umbert' (which is an abortion of a name.) and his spunky pro-life statements from his mother's womb!
The fetus has smuggled a freaking PHONE into the womb.....at some f*cked up doctors office where the ultra sound is in colour...his mother is craving a "peanut butter and tuna sandwich" which is also, believe it or not, a sign of meth addiction. Careful, Umbert. Her cracked-up pimp boyfriend is disgusted by her eating of his stollen packet of peanut butter from dining and dashing at Denny's with a can of tuna from the Dollarama (which is actuall not as weird as, hmm, i don't know A TALKING FETUS.) And the punchline is "hey! I'm new at this!"
I really can't stand the whole fetus-with-the-intellegence-of-a-child thing. They don't. They're alive. Abortion is murder. But let's not pretened your fetus has any cute little quips while it still looks like a shrimp.
Friday, September 3, 2010
FATHER WHATAWASTE AND THE NEAR OCCASION OF SIN
a calender for your typical [horny] catholic woman who wants to both feel the blessed pompus pious boost you get from having a Jesusy calender ("yes and for september they have a painting of the BAPTISM of Jesus with a BIBLE VERSE UNDER IT yes i just absolutley LOVE it i'll NEVER go back to kittens and puppies, it would be simply PAGAN") aaaaaand the sexual thrill of having attractive men looking desiriously at you for an entire month! All of the sin and none of the guilt! (really, its genious.)
and yes, its real. It's the Calanderio Romano which in english roughly translates to "f*ck a priest with your eyes for 12 months."
Thursday, September 2, 2010
*NEW* from the makers of Episcopal-Women-In-Barettas-and-cassocks, its SHITTY HYMNS IN LATIN! it'll help you MAKE THE TRADDIES STFU! A CD with all your favourite Vatican 2 hymns put to Latin! Now we're getting the best of both worlds?! Aren't we? Yes, now with Missing-The-Point Co.'s new CD, you can be 'inclusive' without having to make any sacrifices what so ever.
p.s. if you can't tell, i'm a little bitter this morning