Why, Papa, Why?!

You're better than this!!

The Sainty for Kitschiest Representation

The one dearest to my heart, the kitschiest representation, shall be the crown on the crowning of crowns.  The final, most important, Sainty goes to...my BFF, sister from another mister, St. Therese of the Child Jesus

Now, its not only this sad little dashboard version, but every reproduction of her basically ever.  Lets see what she ACTUALLY looked like (its neat being able to see a PHOTO of a saint, no?)

And now, lets see how she's been painted/statued etc.

Sweet God.  Ok you know what...this one got the facial features the closest:

Thanks for joining me for the Sainties!  We'll be back to our regularily scheduled judgement starting again on Monday because I have a very busy Sunday tomorrow

The Sainty for Most Bizarre Mortification

Deny thyself, take up thy cross and follow me...yes yes mortification is all well and good however there are some saints that make you...uhm...shall we say...gag a bit?

Anyway, the Sainty for the most bizarre mortification goes to...

ST. ROSE OF LIMA

for

RUBBING HER FACE WITH LYE

St. Rose of Lima did not want to be pretty.  Out of a desire to protect those around her from the sin of lust, she rubbed lye all over herself, particularly her face.  She also did other WTF acts of penance such as holding her hands in a fire, sleeping on a bed of bricks, she also once cut off all her hair and rubbed pepper in her eyes to distract her suitors.  Well, at least she's comfy now.  The sainty for the most bizarre mortification is all yours, Rosey!

p.s. if you want to know what your skin would look like if you rubbed lye on it, click here.  I wouldn't gross all of you out by just leaving it out in the open.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED THOUGH ITS NASTY.

The Sainty for Strangest Patronage

This one got a lot of votes...and although all the patronages were weird, this one out-weirded them all
The Sainty goes to...

St. Martin of Tours

Did you know that geese needed a patron?  Apparently they do, since St. Martin is the patron saint of geese.  Along with being the patron saint invoked against poverty, of Calvary, etc.  He's probably remembered the most for the time he saw a poor naked beggar and cut off half of his own cloak for him.  However in another incident leads him to have what is one of the more strange patronages in the Church.  When it was time to elect another bishop, people thought "Martin would be a good one" So he thought "ah crap." and ran to hide in a flock of geese (what's wrong with him?  geese are the opposite of quiet) who betrayed his where-abouts.  So now, I guess as a curse?, he prays for them.  I guess St. Martin has something against Fabio who was once hit in the face with a goose while riding a roller coaster.  

The Sainty For Ugliest Iconography

The greeks may get away with a lot being they have such fancy/pretty churches, but they are not immune to The Sainties

And the winner of ugliest Iconography is...

ST. ONUPHRIUS 

Who did an old fashioned desert father/John the Baptist life style, living naked (except for privates covered) in the desert for many years in the fourth or fifth centuries. Although it is an admirable, and saintly life style for which he deserves much veneration, one should always clean up a bit before posing for their eternal image.  That's why when if they canonize me, I'll haunt the b'Jesus out of the room they're making that poster-banner thing for the Vatican.   

The Sainty for Best Dressed

Although we, disappointingly, were not allowed to hold our swim suit competition we can still have our best dressed category.  And the winner of that coveted sainty is...

SAINT MICHAEL 

THE

ARCHANGEL

Saint Michael, if you didn't guess, is the angel who, during the fall of lucifer, was charged with rounding him and his cronies up and casting them from Heaven for ever and ever.  He is now our protector and strongest defence against the evil one, and does all of that will still looking FABULOUS.  So here's to St. Michael and St. Michael's wardrobe   

And in case you were wondering, here is the runner up. 

The Sainty for Weirdest Event

The next award goes to a Saint who really made us "W" our "TF" 's...it's time for the Sainty for the weirdest event!
And the Sainty goes to....

SAINT DENIS

FOR

PREACHING WITH DECAPITATED HEAD IN HANDS

Denis was a third century bishop in Paris who was having a great success converting the pagan folks to Christianity.  The druid authorities (are there druid authorities?  i guess i'm picturing a bunch of wiccans kicking him out of their world of warcraft guild or something, it was probably scarier.) were angered by this and demanded his execution.  He was decapitated and is said to have (p.s. in case you're wondering i really do believe this.  Why wouldn't God, frankly? He's got a sense of humour and this proves it.) picked up his cut off head, his detaited capa, and marches for six miles preaching a sermon from his severed head until he gets to what is now the site of the basilica of St. Denis, where the king and queen of France would be laid to rest.  Congradulations to St. Denis of Paris for the strangest, most bizzare event in the life of a Saint.  Enjoy your Sainty.  Now please send your body up on stage to collect it, your head can stay seated if it's more comfortable. 

The Sainty for Grossest Martyrdom

LADIES AND GENTLMEN, SAINTS AND SINNERS, CLERGY AND LAYMEN, IT'S THAT TIME....IT'S

THE SAINTIES!

So without further adoo (I've had enough Adoo, if adoo say so myself.) Let's get to the winner of the first award.  

The Sainty for the Grossest Martyrdom goes to...

SAINT BARTHOLOMEW

 FOR 

BEING SKINNED ALIVE!

St. Bartholomew, or St. Bart since Bartholomew takes way too long to type, was one of Jesus' original disciples, the one to say "can anything good come out of Nazareth?".  My guess is if he had known that in a few years he'd be skinned alive for love of the one he mocked, he'd probably had said "you're nuts" because WHO SKINS SOMEONE ALIVE?  Anyway, according to tradition he and St. Jude traveled to India as well as Armenia, bringing the Gospel and, in some traditions, copies of the Gospel of St. Matthew.    It was in Persia that St. Bart was to meet his end, where being flayed alive was a form of capital punishment.  St. Bart, patron of the Armenian Church, Tanners and Leather workers (not joking, we have a wonderful taste for irony, don't we?) and the 2011 Sainty winner for "Grossest Martyrdom" pray for us!

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

SAINT KITSCH PRESENTS:

THE SAINTIES

Come along my dearly beloved readers, the nominees for all 7 of the categories for the "Sainties" are there to be voted on, leave your votes in the comments sections of the following 7 posts!  And stay tuned next week for the announcements of who won, I'll include a bit of a bio about the saint...since I'm so fond of them all, truly and if you can't joke around with someone, can you really love them?  Anyway... Let's make this year's Sainties the bes----first.

The Sainties: Category 7 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them.

CATEGORY

Kitschiest Representation

And the nominees are...

Saint Therese of the Child Jesus

Saint Anthony of Padua

Saint Jude

St. Juan Diego

The Sainties: Category 6 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them.

CATEGORY

Most Bizarre Mortification

And The Nominees Are...

• St. Rose of Lima

Rubbing lye (i.e. flesh rotter.) on her face to make herself less attractive

• St. Simeon Stylites

Living, standing, on top of a pillar for 39 years to "get away from it all"

• St. Ignatious of Loyla

Weighted chain around the private parts (I suppose for obvious reasons.)

• St. Macarious the Egyptian

Six months in the desert naked, stung perpetually by flies as penance for killing a flea.