Happy Feast of the Visitation

And just to ruin a perfectly good feast day here's some church-bulliten-y art.
Featuring the Jesusfetus and the Saint John the Fetusist.




This sums up my feelings

Out creeped?

Ahh!




I don't know if purity balls and purity rings are...uhm...kitschy or just plain old sickening.

Now, naturally, I'm pro-chastity. But I'm also pro-not-marrying-your-daughter. And I think telling people to value themselves enough to wait is more helpful then you are a DIRTY WHORE IF YOU DO IT type stuff. I went to a Catholic school (surprise!) and we had abstain-only education speakers that would come in once a year. And they were GREAT but it seemed that people who's parents already taught to value themselves and value their sexuality more ended up getting the point more than those who had already done it who just seemed depressed after. But, let me tell you something, those speakers were scary mother truckers. And at the end they'd give out holy cards and stuff so it was great.
And i think "Un-Churched" is the worst phrase in the entire world.
Ugh

This is just creepy and sickening and I can't wait until it's on wide release.

We are creepy.

Really, really, REALLY creepy.

Christianity is naturally creepy, I mean what with all the blood and canabalism and the like...crowns of thorns, fountains of blood, bowls of wrath...basically we're a goth's dream come true.

My favourite on the list of Catholics-are-creepy list, however, is statues that cry blood. Seriously? I think Jesus might have a tube of black lipstick and a shirt that says "i'm only wearing black until they invent something darker" T-shirt from hot topic.





That one in the middle is of a woman whose name i cannot remember for the life of me who had probably the most intense stigmata ever. For reals. I remember reading about her in this book about like unexplained phenomenon like aliens and stuff and there was a chapter about stigmata and this poor lady...ugh.
TOP THAT, PROTESTANTS. What's that? A casserole dish? A father's day bible study? Oh sorry can't hear you over MY WOUNDS OF JESUS.

Our Lady of Gaga

Our Lady of Gaga, patron saint of "WTF" has decided to hop on the St. Kitsch bandwagon and make her own prayer candle.

This is still probably more theologically sound than the u2charist.

Oooo! Maybe we can have a service to honour Our Lady of Gaga and call it "Holy Gammunion" or something else stupid. For the benefit of the poor, of course. She says the word "Jesus" in dance in the dark...so, just give the anglican church 10 minutes and there'll be one. Only knowing them they'll remove the word "Jesus" and replace it with "Sofia".

I feel like Oprah in the Color Purple

I know der is a Gaaawd. I know der is a Gaaaawd.


seriously. I was feeling pretty sh!tty 10 minutes ago but NOT ANY MORE! Welcome back gloriously obnoxious sense of humour, and hello clearly-gay-crappy-Christian-singer.


*gasp*!

WAIIIIIT

OK JUST REALIZED SOMETHING:
THIS IS THE SAME CHURCH THAT BROUGHT YOU:


WHAT THE HELL CHURCH IS THIS AND WHEN CAN I MAKE A PILGRAMIDGE AND WHO'S COMING WITH ME?

Sunday Best

Happy Pentecost everyone!!

Happy birthday Church!!


and let me apologize in advance if your Church does anythin stupid like having balloons or bubbles or something and then laughs like HA HA HA HA HA AREN'T WE RELEVENT AND FUN AND LIGHTHEARTED AND NOT-YOUR-GRANDPA'S CHURCH? HA HA HA HA HA BECAUSE WE AREN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S CHURCH! HA HA HA HA HA HA LOOK AT OUR BUBBLES! HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ugh.
That feels like it will be an entry all unto itself.

A summary of the reformation

Particularily in England, but applicable to all the schisms.

WTH

This is Katherine Jefferts Shcori, or as she would pronounce is "Katherine Jefferts schoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooori" who, if I'm honest may be my least favourite bishop based on the fact she's une petit heretique, wearing a vestment than has BANG shlop right to the kitsch list. Without even a glimmer of "oh that's pretty" from anyone.

Come-To-Jesus Brought to you by Youtube

Who says Perfect love casts out fear? We've got souls to save! And by "save" I mean "spend every waking moment fearing the pain of hell". And they say CATHOLICS have guilt issues.

"where are you going, frank?"
"IM GOING RUNNING IN THE NIGHT MOM! I'VE HAD A BAD DAY AND I JUST NEED TO RUN AND SCREAM FOR A GOOD HOUR AND A HALF AND THEN I'LL FEEL BETTER. MAYBE A LITTLE SHRIEKING AT THE SKY TOO"

Ok, let me get a little touchy-feely-blogerapy up in hurr. I used to be all up in that Way of the Master B.S. "scare them with Hell and they'll run to Jesus and EVERYTHING ELSE IS A FALSE CONVERSION" which to me made a LOT of sense at that time because...well because they scared the Hell out of me! But really, what kind of a conversion is it if someone is attacked and threatened with eternal fire (now, i'm not saying I don't believe in Hell...because I do...I just don't think it should be what we think about more than Heaven...since...you know...focusing on eternal torment leads to fear which leads to retreating which leads to isolation which leads to more fear which leads to anger which leads to a loss of faith which leads to...well...) and then someone says BUT BECOME ONE OF US AND THEN YOU WON'T GO THERE! I remember when I used to be all up on that train I'd spend more time flipping out over if I was "saved" or not, and would "repent and place mah trust in Jeee-zus" like 45 times a day thinking "ok, now i'm good" then 10 minutes later be back where I started. If Christianity is about "gettin' saved" there's very little help about what to do AFTER you've "got saved" and then you spend your time worrying about who's saved and who's not saved ... It seems like a fear planted then immediatly put out is more false then a gradual acceptance and growth over many years. I'm just saying, that if you concentrate on Hell, which I believe is a very real place, and think that Wrath and Hell have more to do with the Gospel than redemtion, love and Heaven...Christianity seems to be the religion of the fearful. But anyway...

Right after Reading

You will be on suicide watch.
Seriously, I'm hiding the razors as we speak.




I'm surprised protestants aren't screaming about THIS IS ALL LAW AND NO GOSPEEEELLLLLL.

Any way, I now understand why all the Jews made Moses go listen to these on his own.

Also: Greatest line in music history: "Seven feels like Heaven, but only with your husband or wife" here's a tip: if you don't want your children to have sex before their wedding, don't spend all your time talking about how awesome it is. Have you noticed that? A loooot of those chastity programs are like MAN IT'S THE BEST THING EVER! IT FEELS SOOO GOOD SEX IS AWESOME!! But not now. If you have it now you'll burn in eternal torment but IT'S THE BEST THING EVER. Or, Basically, here's the most delicious cake you've ever seen but if you eat it now you'll go to hell!

Catholic V. Protestant Kitsch

BING BING BING

weeeeeeeelcome to the 2010 Kitsch Off, friends!
Today in a match par-excelawnsss, the Kitsch of the Catholics and the Protestants will be pitted head to head in a prophets-of-ba'al-mount-carmel-sense and we will see who's God or who's book wins!

ROOUUUUNNNDDD OOONNNNEEEE

The Catholics open with a nice cross-stiched Immaculate Heart...

oooooOOOOOh!! But they're wolluped back into place with a Chick tract! What's this? Oouch! The Catholics are nursing their bruised egos but---

LOOK OUT!! They've just cut up the prots with a Holy Card of Purgatory---it's safe to say this round is won by the Catholics


CATHOLICS 1 PROTESTANTS 0

ROUND TWO

The Protestants will have to really send 'em flying to make back the lost ground and---have they----yes----yes they have!!!

THE BIBLE ON AN AMERICAN FLAG!! CAPATALIST JESUS BUSTS A CAP IN THE CATHOLIC'S ASSES---they've almost got a full K.O.---

The Catholics try to fight back with a flock of Guadaloupes but it's no use!! The prots are getting ready for the big whammy---

OOOOOOOHHHH!!! And the "with you always" Eucharistic cop-out leaves the Catholics spinning! Can the Catholics recover from such a nasty blow?

CATHOLICS 1 PROTESTANTS 1

ROUND THREE


OH! AND THAT'S QUITE THE BLOW TO THE CATHOLICS ONCE MORE! Martin Luther as a Holy Spirit filled Doctor of the Church, looks like the Prots are hitting the Catholics where they live...the Catholics are looking shakey....but what's this? A COMBONATION MOVE!



FATIMA-PRAUGE-AMERICA!!! Look at those Prots sway on their feet, they try to hit the Romans back...

Did they just call the Romans the Whore of Babylon?! But the Catholics are already prepared and---

BING-BANG-BOOM FOOT OF SAINT JAMES JUST LIKE THAT THE KITSCH OFF IS OVER! THE PROTS ARE K.O.'D!!!

CATHOLICS 2 PROTESTANTS 1

Sunday Best

I don't know anything about this image except me wanty.

Also on sundays we take a break blah blah blah....

Certianly not Catholic

But certainly bad enough for me to say some things so horrible I can never take them back.



Meet God's Dollz
The Jesusy alternative to Bratz.
Once you've finished rubbing glass in your eyes just to feel again, we'll continue

That's better.

Ok, so basically Bratz/barbies whatever teach little girls about what is pretty/important for girls. Which apparently is being kind of skanky, dying of anerexia, turning into Hedi Montag and getting a brand new face etc. etc. AND if your daughter is into bratz, then looking like a junky crack whore is also what is valued in the female.

I swear, if I ever have a daughter she'll only be allowed to play with statues of the Virgin Mary because at least I don't have to worry about those becoming "heroine chic"

Anyway, since those are not appropriate for Christian girls (and let's face it, 1 in 10 soon-to-be-disowned boys.) we've made "God's Girlz" which are only slightly less slutty. Since dolls are the idealized female, let's take a look at what Evangelical culture values in women:

Long hair that could use a flat iron and/or conditioner once and a while
A face that looks like a pick axe made out with it. Seriously?! Look at that nose. I bet it's like a rejected Bratz head stuck on a less deformed body.
Pooka shells. Really? I guess that's rebelious.........wait is she wearing them ironically?
A Kudos T-shirt. Naturally. they're made by the same company (Oh, how I love Je$u$)
Book bag, because women should learn. In that book bag, a copy of the origion of species with an introduction by Ray Comfort, a book by Mark Driscol on staying a virgin until your wedding and then becoming a freak-a-leak, and an iPod with illegally downloaded hillsong.
Caprice!

Happy Mother's Day!

Here's the biggest dress I could find mom. Put it on and show the neigbours. Mom, mom why are you crying? What do you mean it's the worst thing you've ever seen?

Sunday Best

Oh, good morning!

Posting here is going to be a little light for the next while since i've got quite a bit on my plate, not to mention working on a "private collection exhibit" week.

Anyway, here's some pretty sh!t.

Are we trying to hard, or are we just all-around not good at this?

Protestants know how to make a clever t-shirt:

(actually i own this shirt, too...)

While we are usually stuck with something more along the lines of



But recently we've tried to get a hold of the clever-t-shirt market. Aaaaand failed.

Isn't this from a Celine Dion song? WTH is a "healing dove"?

No lies, I knew a kid in highschool that had this on a jean jacket, only it was OL of Fatima, she was b'jewled and it wasn't the pope it was tupac.

Ugh, good luck telling that to the Latin Mass bead-clackers then.

*Gasp!*

You know what's great. It's easy to make money off Jesus. Screw this vow-of-poverty-garbage I'm starting my own line of Christian Hair Care Products.

NOT THAT PAGAN YOGA

Ouch!!

The most guilt-inducing thing I've ever seen. Also: It looks like Jesus went through a paper shredder...

can we call this domestic terrorism?

FOR GOD'S SAKE, JESUS!! Stop POSING and help up dig up some bodies...

p.s. contrary to popular belief, Jesus Christ didn't write the constitution. Nor do I think He would ever say "you have a right to the pursuit of happiness, and by happiness, I mean money"

Sunday Best

Alright, now that Reformy McGoo's Circus McGagus has left town we better fill up on some old school class for our eyes.






Now, I don't know what that last one is all about...but the BCP Anglican and the traditional roman catholic inside of me both just exploded.

EEEEEeeeewwww!!

Ugh! What is that SMELL? Has someone been reforming in here?!



there that's better...

Protestant Horror Show Week-Day 7

Thanks every one of y'all, this has been a scary experience. I, St. Kitch's Frying Churchcus' ring master, will leave you all with this sassy little number that I think really....hmm....CAPTURES the feeling of protestantism.



'tis the natural conclusion, y'all.