My Big News Is...

I am being received into the Roman Catholic Church on Thursday!


I'll be on retreat with some nuns in the city for a couple days, and then on Thursday I'll be received into the Catholic Church, and I couldn't be happier.

For about 5 years, I've been considering making the leap from High Anglicanism to Catholicism, and after 5 years of prayer and discernment, I feel that is where God is asking me to be.

If you pray, your prayers are appreciated.







And, on a side note.  Look at this thing.

Another Reader Submitted Entry

I really doubt I can add anything.  So I'm just going to leave this here.

I literally had to slap myself so I knew I wasn't dreaming.

Where can I buy this and why haven't I done so already?

From Outsider Friar

Essays are complete! Let's judge!

Well, today I hand in my I-beg-your-pardon-why-do-you-hate-me-professors essays and therefore am now able to judge other people's devotion.

And believe it or not, this is not a set from the upcoming remake of Stephen King's "Carrie" it's someone's home altar.  At least that's what it appears to be based on my google search criteria.

At first I thought "oooh that's beautiful!" Then I started looking.  

KITSCH CHECK LIST:

>Statues wearing rosaries as necklaces (check)

>Terrifying depiction of Our Lord's suffering (check)

>Dead flowers. (Check)

>Our Lady wearing a crown three times the size of her head (check)

>Floating baby heads with wings (check)

>Baby Jesus. (check)

And for extra credit, there's a teddy bear, sitting on Jesus' shoulder.

I'm sorry, this crossed the border lands of art and kitsch, and now it dwells in my valley.

We Have to go Deeper

I suggest clicking and looking at the full version of this picture.  Because, and I'm not joking, every time you think you found the kitschy, most horrible, hideous part of the statue...and even the background...you discover another thing just a bit worse, it's infinite.  Infinite. 

Another reader submitted entry!

From Andrew Cole
who says

"Something you may find useful or appalling"

Andrew, in my book those are synonyms.

Let me walk you through this.  First of all, it appears as though the Divine Child is standing on some kind of cake, perhaps a Nanimo bar.  Second, those are child bearing hips.  Our Lord did not have an hour glass figure.  Third.  I could say something horribly inappropriate about the region about the legs but I, for one, intend on going to Heaven so I'll skip that over.  Fourth. That face looks like a pug that ate a lemon.  Fifth.  The crown is three times the size of his head.

"Thanks" Andrew.   

And a big thanks to those who had kind words to say in the comments last post.  I actually pray for my readers.  Is that awful?  This is a "Let's mock ugly things" blog and I actually care about y'all.  So anyway thanks for the kind words last post.

Guess Which Song

Guess which song I'm thinking of.

I'll give you a hint its this one

Embroidered Roses Are a Nice Touch

Even baby Jesus is not impressed with being in this God Awful statue.  

It reminds me of watching an old episode of the simpson's before the artists decided how to draw them...

And once again the artist followed my motto: If you can put glitter on it, put glitter on it.  He, however, also decided to eat some of the paste he used on the statue before painting the faces.

In The Tradition of the Post Below!

Thank God for Wikipedia because I'd be lost without it.  Let's come and wade in the cesspool of Kitsch that is...

Santo Niño de Atocha

welcome to the very first edition of the Saint Kitsch Meancyclopedia of unnecessary folksy Catholicism.  Today we'll be discussing one of the scariest bits of Catholic kitsch, Santo Nino de Atocha, or Baby Jesus with Bucket.  Here's what wikipedia has to say

During the 13th Century, Spain was under the Umayyad. The town of Atocha was lost to the Muslim invaders, and the Christians there were taken prisoners. The Christians were placed on strict punishments and prohibitions, and the devout prisoners were denied food by their captors. Eventually, only children under the age of 12 were permitted to bring them food. The women of Atocha knew that most of the people in the jails could not survive under such conditions. They were praying before the statue of Our Lady of Atocha, they pleaded for the Blessed Virgin Mary to ask her son Jesus Christ for help.

Reports began to spread among the people of Atocha that a child under the age of twelve had begun to bring food to childless prisoners. The child was dressed in pilgrim's clothing.

When the women of Atocha heard of the miraculous Child, they returned to Our Lady of Atocha and thanked the Virgin for her intercession. Looking upon the image of the Madonna, they noticed that the shoes worn by the Infant Jesus held by Our Lady of Atocha were tattered and dusty. The shoes were replaced but were soiled once again. The people of Atocha saw this as a sign that the Infant Jesus went out every night to help those in need. It is said that he does many miracles, especially to children.

Well that's actually a really nice story.  I feel kind of guilty for making fun of it actually.  However, this beautiful event has been transformed into...

something that looks like the cover of a pack of tarot cards.

Mexican Catholic Barbie.  In which, I suppose, some lady probably named Maria has given Baby Jesus 2 dollars.  What does she think He's going to get with 2 dollars?  You can't get much more than 8 quarters with 2 dollars.

And finally, what may actually BE the like...definition of Catholic Kitsch:

There's too much to even begin to touch on.  You'll just have to explore for yourself.  Like.  Just keep looking.

And thus concludes the first article in my meancyclopedia.

You know what

Childhood obesity is a serious problem, and the Mexican Catholic community really ought not to support it with images such as the Divino Nino de los Chubby Cheekia de los Cake.

A Most Dazzling Frock

If you can put glitter on it, put glitter on it.

A Happy Feast Day to my Secondary Patron!

And along with that "happy feast day!" comes a "I'm so sorry."

Once again, the old adage prevails:  If you CAN put glitter on it, put glitter on it.

There's something really creepy about this statue...is it the chiseled Twilight abs on the infant Jesus? Is it the UFO for a halo worn by St. Joseph?  Or is it the expression on both their faces that suggests they've both just drank an entire bottle of morphine?

And finally...for the child in all of us, it's a colouring book page that---

Oh, good God...uhm...ok...yes, that would be the Infant Jesus pretending to be Casper the friendly ghost...some one should alert child protective services...

Why?

Why is it that so many statues of the Infant Jesus are just so God-awful ugly?

A day in the life of the Holy Family

One day I'll make this into a youtube....but in the mean time

"MARY don't LEAVE ME HERE WITH THIS BABY. You KNOW I never learned how to change a kid---Mary...MARY GET BACK HERE. YOU DO NOT NEED A GIRL'S NIGHT OUT MARY. MARY.

ugh looks like its me and you kid...you know I don't care what Mary says you REALLY don't look like me...."

Am I the only one?

That thinks that people that do this to their kids:


really end up making them look like...




I smell a new youtube video cooking up...

BUT GRANDPA---

From here

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told Catholic bloggers and Facebook and YouTube users Monday to be respectful of others when spreading the Gospel online and not to see their ultimate goal as getting as many online hits as possible.

Well that's all well and good, your fluffiness, but I doubt you've ever experienced the unique joy of sarcastic blogging for a semi-almost-not-very-popularish blog like mine.

For example:


The infant of Prague appears to need His Diaper changed, or a Nap. Or SOMETHING just for GOD'S SAKE don't see me next to Him on a plane. I didn't pay 219 dollars for this plane ticket for your Kid to scream in my ear the whole way, I'd just like to watch Ms. Congeniality on this itty bitty screen and eat these 5 peanuts.

Kitschmas--Day 26

We're in the home stretch! It's almost Christmas!
And therefore, to prepare for the arrival of the true King of Christmas
IT'S SANTA TIME.

If you thought the Kneeling Santa was bad...well strap yourselves in.




because it's time for santa the kidnapper. Hide ya kids, hide ya wife...and hide yo saviour...cuz he's rapin' errybody out thurr.

Kitschmas--Day 22

I want you all to please note the proportions of this tacky ass nativity.

Baby Jesus is bigger than mary.

Now, I know medieval theologians used to have long discussions about the integrity of Mary's hymen (...I know right? Nasty. That's the last vag I want to talk about.) but...if Baby Jesus was that big I think the debate is over.

Kitschmas--Day 20

I felt like I was looking at a pro-life protest sign. This is an abortion of a decoration.

Note the happy kids showing you how big it is. I'm pretty sure that's the most horrifying thing I could imagine being in my yard.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

So get ready for Christmas with my OCD (obsessive compulisve dissorder) OCD (obsessive Catholic devotee)at-least-the-outside-is-clean kit!

buy it!

for those who love the Infant Jesus (i'm looking at you Therese)

it even glows in the dark for where the sun don't shine!

buy it!
For the saint who wants to be sexy

buy it!
And finally, for the scrupulous who loves to scrub

which you can buy here.

There you have it! Now there is no reason for a crusty Christian! Recieve Communion on the tongue without any self-consciousness! Hold your arms open dramatically without pinning your pits down! Go ahead and hug your pew-neighbour during the peace even though he was CLEARLY holding out his hand, after all, you smell good now!

Happy Saint Luke's Day!

Saint Luke is the patron saint of doctors which can only mean one thing...
PAGING DOCTOR JESUS!
WE NEED 30 CC'S OF TAZZLEPRAMAZAXADRILL STAT!


Actually, this is not a picture of Dr. Jesus, this is a picture of a sad Assyrian immagrint who was a certified doctor in his country but now has to work in a high school cafeteria. Welcome to Canada!


Story of my life. "Frank. Study. Frank, no, Frank look down at the book you're supposed to be....Frank. FRANK. I MEAN IT. ME DAMNIT, FACEBOOK ISNT GOING TO SHUT DOWN IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT IT FOR 10 MINUTES."


"Try poking the spleen with that sharp thing. See what happens then."


You should maybe have your patients wear more or else you'll also be doing time.



I saved the best for last. You're welcome.