Don't get too excited

  Relax.  Although they might LOOK like salt and pepper shakers, two saints famous for mortification aren't about to help your food taste better.  These are not salt and pepper shakers, they are Gaul and Wormwood shakers.  Now unplug your nose and eat your boiled chicken puree, sister.

I...cannot...believe it

WHY DIDN'T I GO TO THIS PLACE WHEN I WAS IN ORLANDO IN FEBRUARY?


The Holy Land Experience - CBN.com by the700club

My irony meter would have exploded
(you NEED to go to that site and watch the video there)

The fact that this place exists speaks VOLUMES about Amerevangelical theology.

But still...

save for the popcorn on the plane part....

JESUS CHRIST!

OH GOD! KIDS! NEVER MIND! WE CAN GO TO THE UN LATER, GET IN THE CAR!

On the plus side, this will make for a very entertaining sequel, i.e. Jesus V Gozilla.

Dear Santa,

I know it's early, but I want to help you beat the rush.

Once he's completed it.

Once he's completed this rubik's cube, the pope will declare Medjugorje an approved apparition.

I guess we probably shouldn't hold out breath.

Easter.

Throughout my whole life, I've been in a serious battle. Does Easter mean Big time Jesus time? or does Easter mean big time chocolate time?

I am no longer fighting this battle.

It's easter!

try to spend some time in the out-of-doors.

WHAT?!

LOOK WHO FEELS FAMOUS

I'm getting popular. Deal with it, internet.

I'm on US Catholic

Seriously?!  Really?! My little offensive blog got noticed?
Thanks y'all!
Happy Easter and a miserable good Friday! See you Sunday!!

I really hope you all realize it means a lot to me that people are reading...
Love,
St. Kitsch.

Holy Week-Day 4

This was a short little series.  But today, being that I will not be posting again until Easter since this is kind of a serious few days, I feel like I can't choose which one is the worst.

So take this as a double stuffed post.

This has EVERYTHING: A nativity set, featuring people not at the nativity, a Divino Nino the Sacred Heart...what look like mini monstrances, a statue of God the Father (always uncomfortable...) AND  a scary Jesus. Buy this, and you'll never need to buy anything ever again. Literally.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, this.

Holy Week-Day 3

I dont think there's anything I could possibly add...

Holy Week-Day 2

Are you tired of this style of crucifix that doesn't make you feel NEARLY guilty enough?  Tired of a tasteful displayed reminder of the Lord's suffering, and in need of one that will make you not only weep for pity, but vomit?

WELL LOOK NO FURTHER!

4 entire bottles of red paint were used in the making of this crucifix

"the loin cloth is still white, Sr. Maria Maria Conswella Maria Immolata"
"Hand me a tooth brush, my niece Maria did this in kindergarten to make stars..."

"Sr. Maria Maria Conswella Maria Immolata?"
"Yes, Mother Maria Maria of the Five Wounds and the Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Conception?"
"The cheeks...they are too rosy"

"What should I do, mother?"
"Rip them off."

This honestly makes Mel Gibson's passion look like freaking "The Gospel of John".  Have you seen that movie? Legit, the mother of sorrow's reaction to seeing her Beloved Son dying in agony is "ooh." not "OOOH!" but just "ooh."

Holy Week-Day 1

Well, since it's you know...the biggest week of the Christian year, I ought to do something special.
So this week...except for Good Friday for obvious reasons...I will be posting the worst images I can find of Our Lord's passion.

So.  Drum roll, plzthnks...........

Here is Jesus' high school graduation photo from 1997

A la...

Nothing says beautiful photography like a portrait with the head of the person IN the picture floating ominously in the background....I have an aunt who has ALL of her kids graduation pictures in this style...where there's one serious picture and then their HEAD just hangin' out in the background smiling. I want to get this done with me and my pug, but just a photo of Percy, then me smiling in the background, like he's dreaming of me...oh yeah and that's a bad Jesus picture and stuff.

The 70's were a glorious time for the Church

If this was the day you picked to stop drinking.
Move that day to tomorrow.

Guess where I'm headed

I'll give you a hint.

It's in Niagara Falls and rhymes with The National Shrine of Saint Merr-ezz.

Expect Tchotchkies.
Expect Tchotchkies.

Another reader submitted entry!

This one comes from Andrew Cole

Uhm...so...this...uh.....hmmm...what can I say....hmm....uhm......

There's nothing.
There's no words to express the horror. The horror.

"Thanks" Andrew.

It's official.

Dear readers.

We have a theme song.

This IS the definition of this blog.  The out of sync audio and video make it 100% more worthy...

This is legit a hug from baby Jesus for me.



I need to call the pope...luckily I have him on speed dial....but this NEEDS an indulgence attached to it.

Oh, boy.

So I found this on a bitterly bitterly protestant anti-Catholic website denouncing Mother Teresa.

HOW DO YOU DENOUNCE MOTHER EFFING TERESA?  SHE'S MOTHER. TERESA.

Anyway...

Some delightful kitsch...which, an I am copying and pasting...is captioned as...

Idols in Calcutta. Tasteless and wicked, an item for the truth mockers.

Ok, tasteless, I'll give you...

Another reader submitted entry!

Another submission from real-life friend Christian Hegele



This would be...uhm...how can I put this?  The most incredibly awkward thing I've ever seen.  It's a gentlemen singing about MY POWER.  RECEIVE MY POWER. while thrusting into the podium.  And seducing the camera.  Take it for what you will, my beloved readers, but I am going to suffer more sleep deprivation than I did post "Paranormal Activity".

Oh, and keep watch for the reading break-downs that play more like the most awkward rap battle I've ever witnessed.

This is what I see every time the canter at Mass is trying to get his face into the psalm...you've seen it too.

BY THE WAY WHAT DEN OF SORROW IS THIS BEING PLAYED IN?  IT'S SOME KIND OF BLOOD-RED SKIED DESERT....are they in Hell?  Because I feel like I am.

POWER.  POWER.  POWER.

If you laugh...

...You go to hell.



"If you are really the Son of God, save yours---"
*crash*
"Well I guess that proves us wrong."

2011 years of Jewish-Christian conflict SOLVED in this play.

What ever you do, don't nail Him to anything

Or He'll pop and that might be even more disturbing than this already is

I guess after the gore-fest that is Mel Gibson's passion the only place to go is fake-blood filled balloons that'll bathe the whole church for the Stations.

Oh and by the way I didn't notice how very...uhm...natural Jesus is here until I already posted it.

To quote shakespeare

"Oh, that the Everlasting had not set Himself against it."

And by that I mean this makes me want to slit my wrists.



Congrats, protestants, you've made Rebecca Black swallow-able.

I needed this pick me up

Guess whose Macro got published on one of his favourite websites?

If you haven't guessed, the answer is me.

I made this, and now it's on Lolsaints!

I AM IN HEAVEN. Well. maybe not Heaven. Limbo.....I'm in a ditch in Limbo which is still better than earth or purgatory so there.

Workin' Out With Jesus!

Hey fatties!  If you're like me, you've just realized you failed to meet your January diet deadline.  For serious I was trying to loose 20 pounds...not that I'm obese or anything I just wanted to look a little less puffy, and I was doing great and lost 15 and was getting compliments then I just decided oh whatever and gave up.  Anyway, down 15 pounds, but how to get rid of that last 5 to finally get the figure I've always wanted?
THE LORD!

See, how well His Sacred Heart diet plan works?

First a little yoga...

In through the nose.........out through the nose.........look inward.

Then some bicep reps

Lift!  No...look...LIFT...ugh....I'm not going to spot you if you're just going to fart around....LIFT.

Then, push ups.

Look, just because you're the Divine Son of God and God the Son does not mean you get to show off how you can do push ups on the air in front of you.  Some of us are a little self conscious about having to do them the "girl" way, ok?

Then, some dancing for cardio!

"When you call my name, it's like a little prayer, I'm down on maaah knees I wanna take you there....come on!  One, two, shuffle step, four.....in the midnight hour I can feel your power...."

And finally, the most difficult part of His workout...

"No dessert, thank you, I'm full."

You're not thinking inclusivley

Exactly HOW do you expect to attract wizards to your congregation, Spanish holy week penitents?!

Aren't you aware it hearkens on some disturbing images from Wizarding history?

Like the 1994 Quidditch world cup?  Honestly, it's like you didn't think this through at ALL!

And not to mention