As if it wasn't bad enough Our Lord got a terrible perm, He also happened to wear what might be the ugliest robe in existence, and Twisted-Sister style makeup to the yearbook photo shoot...
You know in 20 years He'll look back and laugh and laugh but for now He'll just have to hide His student card...
Each of the elements in this shrine, by themselves, are border line lovely. But the combination of all of them together, then a coat of dollarama paint has transformed it into a lifetime prime-time movie version of the visions of St. Bernadette.
Let me walk you through this. First of all, it appears as though the Divine Child is standing on some kind of cake, perhaps a Nanimo bar. Second, those are child bearing hips. Our Lord did not have an hour glass figure. Third. I could say something horribly inappropriate about the region about the legs but I, for one, intend on going to Heaven so I'll skip that over. Fourth. That face looks like a pug that ate a lemon. Fifth. The crown is three times the size of his head.
"Thanks" Andrew.
And a big thanks to those who had kind words to say in the comments last post. I actually pray for my readers. Is that awful? This is a "Let's mock ugly things" blog and I actually care about y'all. So anyway thanks for the kind words last post.
I have become everything I hate.
Anyway, as is my custom, everything has gone to pot, so I wont be able to post until probably wed. because SURPRISE my internet died. Anyway...remember to vote on www.thecrescat.blogpsot.com for me!!
Because I'm about to unleash a flood of pride.
I'm on my way to confession after this, I promise.
Over at The Crescat it's the time of year where we all celebrate Catholics on the internet with The Cannon Ball Awards, and I've been nominated!
I'm nominated for Snarkiest Catholic Blog (how dare you.) so my very dear and beloved readers, head on over there and vote for me! OR for someone who deserves it!
GO AND VOTE OR I WILL SEND A HERD OF OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE'S AFTER YOU.
So I'll do my best for the next 9 days to provide you with all the St. Therese Kitsch the internet has to offer, and being that she is a popular lady I shouldn't have to try too hard
Let's kick this off with a little cartoon, which is I guess called Brother Francis, but I refer to it as "Screw you HISTORY".
As is my custom, I've managed to get very sick in the first couple weeks of school. This means I have been laying in bed reading a lot because the judgmental shows on TLC don't come on until 8ish, and Salt+Light television (Canada's multi-lingual answer to EWTN) is in Korean until like three o'clock. I just re-re-re-read Story of a Soul for you-know-who's feast day next Saturday, and so I picked up The Collected Works of St. John of the Cross which I had on my bookshelf for a couple of years.
Hold. The. Phone.
This guy.
Ugh, I could KISS HIS FACE.
I won't go into detail because if you wanted theology you could go read Fr. Longnecker. So instead, here is a very beautiful painting of St. John of the Cross
Oh, sorry, did I say beautiful, I meant Pedroful. As in
I'm sorry, I refuse to accept that he looked like a Mexican wrestler.
And on a side note, I have not forsaken you, I just have more homework than any human should ever have, issues with 3 of my classes for next term and 2 jobs so sadly this may have to take a back seat to real life.
This comes from Maureen Brown-Petracca who was kind enough to send me the link to something I had never heard of, the Autom catalog, or, as I like to call it. My new religion.
Here's something she suggested I check out...
This is like....point A for whenever I want to get blogging, Thanks Maureen!
Like the mold spores that are spread that make a slice of bread blue, some weird kind of defecation from the collection of Catholic kitsch has taken place and collected itself on the following
Maybe I should have posted this in November, your suffering would have been excellent for those poor souls suffering in purgatory. At 1:25ish "GAWD-a" shows up and makes this video 10X funnier. I can't move on.
Sorry, I have to go my ears have both detached themselves from my body and are attempting to escape.
The most blasphemous blackest black mass that ever there was, enough that I'm surprised that God didn't actually send fire and brimstone from Heaven. Now that I have a mini-secure following, y'all need to see the garbage among garbage of liturgical abuses. And if you've already seen this, enjoy it again. Keep a bucket near.
I don't think there are enough words for "worst" in all the languages of all the worlds in the whole universe, including the languages of the angels and devils and fish and llamas and pugs to describe how HARD people should have fought against the production of this movie. Like. It's. Ok. Here's the deal, I feel like I'm watching a really terrible youth group liturgical dance that some drunk people thought they should film.
I watched a 2.5 minute clip and I'm already ready to puke. Not just puke, like ate-a-whole-raw-chicken puke. How many First Fridays is it going to take to undo this.
I picked the wrong day to stop drinking.
In Mexican-Style "Justice" Stole style, it's a kit that lets your son play priest. Thurible, cruets, crucfix, chalice, lavible (lav-a-bow...not sure how to spell it. Doesn't matter.) missal and candles.
I was going to write something snarky, but I think this is awesome the more I look at it. Too bad it's 70 dollars or I'd order one.
This one's from Braut des Lammeswho has a really neat blog, but it's in German so set your googles to translate. It's...
...it's adorable. I can't say anything mean about the pope bear. Look at it.
She says "It's from the limited editon of a
German manfucturer for the Holy Father's visit in Germany in September."
No, m'am, what this is is a gift from little baby Jesus with a big pink bow on top, ok, it's cute, it's papal and seems to desperately need a hug from yours truly.
The weirdest thing I've ever seen actually doesn't even begin to describe this
It's not a testimony to the love of a chocolate bar,
It's not some kind of poop-festish pornography,
It's the "Restoration" series by Edwin Lester.
Now, Ok, here's the thing, I get what its supposed to be, the deeper you fall in love with God/obedience what ever the more whole the more human you become. However
At the risk of sounding like a racist, I don't know if brown is the colour you should have used.
It looks a bit more like some kind of terrifying dementor that is sucking the flesh tone out of the person rather than bleeding it into it.
And I know I'm going to hell for this. But the first thing I thought when I saw this one is the lips kind of remind me of Apu's from the simpsons when he's singing on the roof...
This one...
What's wrong with me? Better yet what's wrong with the guy that painted this?
The worst thing that ever there was. This comes from Scott and Gail Finke. Who say
"truly hideous!!!! Who would want this???!!!
Look at the weird Jesus in the wreckage of the towers! WHO IN THE WORLD thought this up???"
Ok, slow down judgey. What they're talking about is...
The 9/11 Rosary. Which, I think is an appropriate name for it considering it appears to be an act of religious terrorism.
Yes, it's a Rosary which commemorates the horror of sadness of the attacks of september 11th by worshiping the act as some kind of strange American religion holiday, equating the crucifixion of Our Lord with a tragic attack using the crucifix and beads. The Crucifix is the "Cross" that was found in the wreckage. Now, ok, here's the deal, I'm all for the ground zero cross because it was/is a sign that God identifies with suffering, not because He's watched it, but because He felt it. But. Ok, you DONT GET TO REPLACE THE CRUCIFIX WITH IT.
Each of the 50 beads has a name of a state on them. The OF beads have OL of Grace. It doesn't feel like idolatry at all.
And this is the center medal. Which appears to be Jesus BURSTING out of the twin towers wreckage like it was some sort of weird egg He was incubating in.
Congrats, Ghirelli's 9/11 Remembrance Rosary, you are officially the most horrifying thing I've ever seen.
But it here for the person you hate more than anyone else.
