The Gospel of Saint Kitsch, Chapter 8

"And Jesus, turning unto His followers, did say "I'm out of here. For reals. You have no idea how bad i've wanted to get out of here for the past 30 years. You guys suck, really. I mean...Peter, come on. My mom's the only cool one here. She's the only one that gets me...OH SERIOUSLY THOMAS ARE YOU DOUBTING RIGHT NOW?" and Thomas replied replying "Lord, thou seemest grumpy." and Jesus spake saying "Going up!" and did snap His fingers up into the heavens like unto Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. And Lo, from Heaven came a choir of winged baby heads, along with a Great Big Sea cover band, and He did ascend upwards into the Heavens to be seated at the right hand of the Father. And all the disciples did sneaky peek up His dress. And Jesus cried out "Oh, yeah, and I'm with you always and all that junk."
Amen, Amen, Amen.

The Gospel of Saint Kitsch, Chapter 7

And after He was raised, Jesus did go to His disciples, and Thomas spake saying "Lord I will not believe it is truly Thee unless I may place my finger inside of thy side." And Jesus concented, and Lo, all about them did gather all the disciples, and they spake saying "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!! Uggh!! ugh!! Oh, OH MY GOD EWWWW DUUDE WHAT THE FFFFFF---" and Jesus spake saying "I KNOW RIGHT! Wiggle it around!" And Thomas did wiggle verily, and they all threw back their heads in laughter and disgust. And Jesus stretched forth His hand and said "Speak, I command Thee, to the hand, for the Face hath not ears to hear." And the disciples did all say "Jesus, that's gross."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 6

And Saint Kitsch didst say "I shall not have anything making fun of a painting of the Cross, for even I have limits."
And Jesus did go down unto Hell, and took with Him three ugly angels, who all the while said "art we there yet?", while Jesus replied five and five score "no."
And upon arriving, Jesus called unto the souls in torment saying "behold! I have brought you anglo-catholics something to blog about. For Lo, here is a crucifix I got on ebay, and again Lo, here is a processional crucifix." And the souls of them in torment did kneel and pray, and Jesus did snap His fingers, and nodded His head. Then he took the souls in torment and brought them up into heaven, saying "Thou art all very chubby for having been in Hell for eleven thousand years."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 5

"And Jesus gathered up His disciples in the Upper Room and spake saying "I have longed to share this meal with thee." And the disciples replied replying "What eatest we?" And Jesus spake saying "We are having tostitos and a crispy Chihuahua." And John didst sigh heavily and cast himself upon the lap of Jesus and cried out with a loud voice "OH LORD! Thou knowest I am a vegan, and yet Thou preparest a banquet upon which I can only eatest the tostitos!" And the other disciples did argue amongst themselves as to if John's vegan diet was of stupidity, or of value. And Jesus spake saying "Judas, what fiddelest thou with?" And Judas replied "Rabbi, I am seeing if I have any change in my murse for a cola, for thou must know I am of great thirst." And Jesus did cry out with a loud voice "I spent all day over a hot oven, and thou hast all given me not but grief. If thou likest it not, I care not for thy whining, for there are starving children in Babylon." And Jesus wept."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 4

"And Jesus went up unto the retirment village with his disciples to visit the elderly. And the disciples spake, saying "O, good and gentle Jesus, would that we hadest a wheel chair upon which to place these gentlemen" And Jesus spake saying "O, ye's of little faith's. For canst thou not see that I needest not a wheel chair to take these men about, for I am entertaining enough here as it is. For Lo, high above me resteth several winged baby heads. And they shall be my back up singers." And Peter spake saying "LORD, why wouldst thou needest back up singers?" And Jesus replied replying "patty-cake patty-cake bakers-man. Bakest me a cake as fast as thou canst. Pat it, roll it, marketh it with a B, and putteth it in the oven for Mary and Me." And the elderly gentlemen were verily amused and didst mimck with Him, but the disciples were sore embarassed, and didst hide their faces."

The Gopel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 3

"And Jesus, full of the Spirit, didst make His way into the desert where He ate of nothing for 40 days and 40 nights, after which He was of grumbily tumbily. And as He walked along He saw a miniture city, a township if you will, being of hadsome stone and quaint furnishings. And Behold, Lord Voldemort didst apparate before Him, and spake saying "Jesus, if thou art the King of Kings, then thou shalt be able to shrink down and go into the miniture township." And Jesus spake saying "BE GONE! For thy form is like unto ugliness, and thou hast no aliby which may excuse thee." And Lord Voldemort did depart from Him, and two funny looking angels didst applaud, for the show had been magnificent."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 2

And behold, there came a man from the wilderness called John the Baptist, and he was of rugged and hadsome good looks, and for many years had been the name which had been writ upon the notebooks of various school girls. Two of these girls came to him by the river and spake saying "JOHN, wilt thou goest into the water that we mayest see thy abs?" and John spake saying "Women, why wouldst thou have me be wet? For surley thou canst see that I am not taylor lauterner or whatever that kids name is." And they did squeel with glee. And Jesus came down from Galilee to see John the Baptiser and spake unto him saying "Wilt thou baptise me John?" and Lo, didst gay rumours float about John the Baptiser for the rest of his days.

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 1

"In the 6th month, the LORD sent His angel Gabriel before Mary, and the angel spake unto mary, saying "Long distance message, wilt thou accept the charges" and Mary spake unto the angel saying "Yea, Verily." And the Angel spake saying "Hail, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee" and Mary spake saying "Hold on one moment, for thou can surley see that I am in the midst of praying the Divine Office of the Church of England." And the angel spake saying "It's alright, I can wait." And Mary spake saying "Alright, go ahead what is it then?" and the angel spake saying "Thou shalt concieve and bare a Son and thou shalt name Him Jesus, though thou art a Virgin nothing shall be found impossible for God." And Mary spake saying "Wait, what? No, no you're f*cking with me right? Come oooooon...am I on punk'd? Where's Ashton?"