I know it's St. Cyprin's day and all...but....

With the amount of glitter, red and pink ut there today, how can I not wish y'all a happy valentine's day.

Here he is.  Maybe.  We're not sure.  A couple Churches out there think they've got him. 

                               

St. John of the Cross

As is my custom, I've managed to get very sick in the first couple weeks of school.  This means I have been laying in bed reading a lot because the judgmental shows on TLC don't come on until 8ish, and Salt+Light television (Canada's multi-lingual answer to EWTN) is in Korean until like three o'clock.  I just re-re-re-read Story of a Soul for you-know-who's feast day next Saturday, and so I picked up The Collected Works of St. John of the Cross which I had on my bookshelf for a couple of years.

Hold. The. Phone.

This guy.

Ugh, I could KISS HIS FACE.  

I won't go into detail because if you wanted theology you could go read Fr. Longnecker.  So instead, here is a very beautiful painting of St. John of the Cross

Oh, sorry, did I say beautiful, I meant Pedroful.  As in

I'm sorry, I refuse to accept that he looked like a Mexican wrestler.  

Catholics and Photoshop

The two should never have met.

The Sainty for Kitschiest Representation

The one dearest to my heart, the kitschiest representation, shall be the crown on the crowning of crowns.  The final, most important, Sainty goes to...my BFF, sister from another mister, St. Therese of the Child Jesus

Now, its not only this sad little dashboard version, but every reproduction of her basically ever.  Lets see what she ACTUALLY looked like (its neat being able to see a PHOTO of a saint, no?)

And now, lets see how she's been painted/statued etc.

Sweet God.  Ok you know what...this one got the facial features the closest:

Thanks for joining me for the Sainties!  We'll be back to our regularily scheduled judgement starting again on Monday because I have a very busy Sunday tomorrow

The Sainty for Most Bizarre Mortification

Deny thyself, take up thy cross and follow me...yes yes mortification is all well and good however there are some saints that make you...uhm...shall we say...gag a bit?

Anyway, the Sainty for the most bizarre mortification goes to...

ST. ROSE OF LIMA

for

RUBBING HER FACE WITH LYE

St. Rose of Lima did not want to be pretty.  Out of a desire to protect those around her from the sin of lust, she rubbed lye all over herself, particularly her face.  She also did other WTF acts of penance such as holding her hands in a fire, sleeping on a bed of bricks, she also once cut off all her hair and rubbed pepper in her eyes to distract her suitors.  Well, at least she's comfy now.  The sainty for the most bizarre mortification is all yours, Rosey!

p.s. if you want to know what your skin would look like if you rubbed lye on it, click here.  I wouldn't gross all of you out by just leaving it out in the open.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED THOUGH ITS NASTY.

The Sainty for Strangest Patronage

This one got a lot of votes...and although all the patronages were weird, this one out-weirded them all
The Sainty goes to...

St. Martin of Tours

Did you know that geese needed a patron?  Apparently they do, since St. Martin is the patron saint of geese.  Along with being the patron saint invoked against poverty, of Calvary, etc.  He's probably remembered the most for the time he saw a poor naked beggar and cut off half of his own cloak for him.  However in another incident leads him to have what is one of the more strange patronages in the Church.  When it was time to elect another bishop, people thought "Martin would be a good one" So he thought "ah crap." and ran to hide in a flock of geese (what's wrong with him?  geese are the opposite of quiet) who betrayed his where-abouts.  So now, I guess as a curse?, he prays for them.  I guess St. Martin has something against Fabio who was once hit in the face with a goose while riding a roller coaster.  

The Sainty For Ugliest Iconography

The greeks may get away with a lot being they have such fancy/pretty churches, but they are not immune to The Sainties

And the winner of ugliest Iconography is...

ST. ONUPHRIUS 

Who did an old fashioned desert father/John the Baptist life style, living naked (except for privates covered) in the desert for many years in the fourth or fifth centuries. Although it is an admirable, and saintly life style for which he deserves much veneration, one should always clean up a bit before posing for their eternal image.  That's why when if they canonize me, I'll haunt the b'Jesus out of the room they're making that poster-banner thing for the Vatican.   

The Sainty for Weirdest Event

The next award goes to a Saint who really made us "W" our "TF" 's...it's time for the Sainty for the weirdest event!
And the Sainty goes to....

SAINT DENIS

FOR

PREACHING WITH DECAPITATED HEAD IN HANDS

Denis was a third century bishop in Paris who was having a great success converting the pagan folks to Christianity.  The druid authorities (are there druid authorities?  i guess i'm picturing a bunch of wiccans kicking him out of their world of warcraft guild or something, it was probably scarier.) were angered by this and demanded his execution.  He was decapitated and is said to have (p.s. in case you're wondering i really do believe this.  Why wouldn't God, frankly? He's got a sense of humour and this proves it.) picked up his cut off head, his detaited capa, and marches for six miles preaching a sermon from his severed head until he gets to what is now the site of the basilica of St. Denis, where the king and queen of France would be laid to rest.  Congradulations to St. Denis of Paris for the strangest, most bizzare event in the life of a Saint.  Enjoy your Sainty.  Now please send your body up on stage to collect it, your head can stay seated if it's more comfortable. 

The Sainties: Category 7 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them.

CATEGORY

Kitschiest Representation

And the nominees are...

Saint Therese of the Child Jesus

Saint Anthony of Padua

Saint Jude

St. Juan Diego

The Sainties: Category 6 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them.

CATEGORY

Most Bizarre Mortification

And The Nominees Are...

• St. Rose of Lima

Rubbing lye (i.e. flesh rotter.) on her face to make herself less attractive

• St. Simeon Stylites

Living, standing, on top of a pillar for 39 years to "get away from it all"

• St. Ignatious of Loyla

Weighted chain around the private parts (I suppose for obvious reasons.)

• St. Macarious the Egyptian

Six months in the desert naked, stung perpetually by flies as penance for killing a flea.

The Sainties: Category 5 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them.

CATEGORY

Strangest Patronage

• St. Apolliana

Patron Saint of dentists, because she was martyred by having her teeth pulled out one by one.

• Saint Bona of Pisa

Patron Saint of Flight Attendants, because she operated a hotel.  Make the connection yourself, I certainly can't.

• St. Martin of Tours

Patron Saint of Geese.  After hiding in a flock of geese to prevent becoming bishop, they honked to reveal his where abouts.  I was unaware geese needed a patron, but hey.

• St. Drogo

Ugly people.

The Sainties: Category 4 Voting

The Sainty Awards is a little theme week here at Saint Kitsch in honour of our favourite Saints that make us swell with happiness God hasn't asked us to be them

CATEGORY

Ugliest Iconography

Do not think, Orthodox brethern, that you are immune to ugly representations just because you have fancier vestments and golden paintings!  You're nominated for some Sainties too...

• St. John the Baptist

For outstanding performance in a bucket

• St. Onouphrios

For outstanding performance in his role as Albus Dumbledore in "Harry Potter and the Day They All Forgot Their Pants"

• Saint Xiena

For her stunning role as Baba Yaga in "The Exorcism of Baba Yaga"

• St. Ignatious

Outstanding Performance Artist in "Glittery Clothes and the Screwed up Lion" marionette ballet, performed outside of Buckingham palace for the royal wedding. 




Vote down in the comments section, and if you have any other awful icons close to your heart, go ahead and write in!