Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Chalk One Up for the Sprinklers

Say what ever you want about symbolic loss and possible invalidity of using a baptismal font, but we've never had this problem

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Kyrie Elieson

Awful, awful, awful. On 400 levels. Level 1: Bestiality for children
Level 2: Making adultery seem like something cutesy.
Level 3-400: Watch it.

Best line ever from a CHILDREN'S video
"when honey drips from candy coated lips" featuring a bee, I still can't believe my eyes, licking a drop of golden liquid from a wet rose. I'm still wretching in my Our Lady of Guadaloupe garbage can.
Sorry, did fifty cent used to write children's sunday school videos?

Woe is me!


(I'm pretty sure that's the devil using Martin Luther as a Vuvuzela. Aslo, i'm pretty sure the devil INVENTED vuvuzelas.)

Oh, the heart within my little anglican frame is breaking.

Although: The Queen is coming to Canada tomorrow. I will be positivley buzzing with excitment.
And I swear upon the Sacred Heart there is not one lick of sarcasm in that. I freaking love Queen Elizabeth II.

Sunday Best

Ok, look, I'm going to be honest. I hope England wins today, here's why.
1) it will un-do WWII. In my mind at least.
3) I am a Church of England harlot with a Catholic living inside of me.

So, in a desperate bid for intercession, here is Our Lady of Walsingham.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Not Since Vatican II

Has anything managed to bring Catholics and Protestants together as hard as this show

Now, I am fully aware that it is the cheese-balliest, theoligcally incorrect-iest, corny-sixty-year-old-woman-in-a-hand-knitted-cat-sweateriest show. But I still love it. Yeah, now what? You wanna fight about this? I'll get Andrew in here so fast it'll make your after-life head spin.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where's my bank card?

I'd be the sucker paying 14 dollars each for both of these lamps.

Seriously, does it get any better?

Only if it played "Ave Maria" on a loop when you turned it on.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I'm Afraid

That if my personal catholic statue collection continues in my house, it will soon look like this.

Monday, June 21, 2010

It's a Good Thing I Love Crazy People

And all I thought it meant was Paul is Dead!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

More WTF than you can shake a magic paintbrush at.

I'm not even going to say anything, i'm just going to let this speak for itself...
actually scratch that,
is God actually Albus Dumbledore?
fastforward to 1:42 for a devestating heresy.

Sunday Best

Fancy. I like it.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Just Wondering

Is anyone out there interested in a Saint Kitsch contest?
If there's interest, I'll look into it...

Story of My Life

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Wrath to Come?

I am actually worried right now.
This is a giant kitschy-ass statue of Jesus, which as you can tell is my speci-ality.

God threw lightning at it and this happened

If that's what He does to ONE peice of Kitsch what is He going to do to this giant collection?!

Let's Talk About Sext, baby!

Anyone else get that liturgical joke?


This is Sister Salt and this is Sister Pepper, pronounced "Saw-l" and "Pepa" respectivly.

The salty novice and the spicy superior.

This stuff feels like St. Kitsch Classique

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Jesus! Mary! Somebody Up There Loves Me!



I can't help but feel that I drove him to drink.

Painter Thomas Kinkade arrested near Carmel on suspicion of DUI
June 16, 2010 10:46 am
The painter Thomas Kinkade, whose mass-produced landscapes have made him one of the most-collected artists in America, has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving.
Kinkade, 52, was pulled over outside Carmel on Friday night because his 2006 Mercedes-Benz didn't have a front license plate, said California Highway Patrol Officer Robert Lehman.
The artist smelled of alcohol, Lehman said, and he was arrested after he failed a field sobriety test. Kinkade was released from jail the next day after posting bail.
His arrest came less than two weeks after one of his companies filed for bankruptcy protection. The Chapter 11 petition was filed in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in San Jose in the name of Kinkade's production company, Pacific Metro of Morgan Hill, Calif.
The Placerville-born painter has spun a lucrative career since his humble beginnings selling paintings in supermarket parking lots.
A "born-again" Christian whose incandescent paintings of Americana are laden with religious themes, Kinkade's work has been praised as inspirational by some and dismissed as kitsch by art critics.
A 2006 Los Angeles Times investigation into Kinkade called into question his business practices and suggested his personal behavior belied the wholesome image on which he had built his empire. Kinkade denied those claims.
-- Kate Linthicum
Photo: Thomas Kinkade. Credit: Associated Press

I hope everything works out for everybody, though. Maybe now his paintings can get more "real" and "street" like that http://www.art4god.com/ guy's.

Girl, Please.

Every time you say "Fresh Expressions" this instantly jumps into my mind.
Am I the only one that loves my stale expresions of Church?
How about we find new ways of being cantankerous! That's a liturgical movement I can get behind.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sign me UP!

Where is the sign up sheet because I should be there RIGHT NOW.

It's about to get ALL REAL up in hurr.
Ok, welcome to Kay Paintings. A company out of Utah (...mormons...) that will photoshop you into a picture with a model playing Jesus.

I call this one "Be Fruitful and Multiply" because it features to mormons who look like they may be about 12 and already have 4 chirens.

I call this one "AMBER ALERT" because SERIOUSLY?!

You do NOT want to be the child who gets assigned this picture. "Ok, Becky...no you can't be in the one with your brothers and sisters with Jesus looking happy. No you can't be the repentant whore. ...Why? Becky, I think you know why."


Sunday Best

More like Sister Way-Too-Adorable

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Welcome to Heaven

Oh no.

Today, I was awakened by my dear mama saying "I bought you something at the dollar store yesterday!" and i'm thinking maybe a pack of gum or....I don't know....
Then she opened the door and handed me, literally, a peice of Heaven itself.

Give it a minute.
They are Jesusy car air fresheners.

Now...ok let me walk you through it

They are called "Sacred Scents", with 3 air fresheners (for only a dollar, that's actually a good deal...) one of a Cross, one of Sallman's "Head of Christ" and one of Our Lady of (of course!) Guadaloupe!

The scent they have given them is called "Saintly Cinnamon" but I think it smells more like an accident at a chemical factory. I wish I was joking, but...like it's ALMOST cinnamon but it's just far enough off from it that it's a little vomit-inducing. So I open the package and already am a little nervous since the smell is going through the plastic bag. I decide to open the one of the Virgin since she is, lets be honest, queen of all kitsch.

Ok at this point I'm vomitting. I've never smelled anything as strong as this chemical cinamon smell. I feel holier already since I'm desperatly thankful to our Lord for my 18 years of non-chemical soaked breathing.
Thar she blows

So I hold it up to the light in hopes that maybe I can get a half-way decent looking picture but when the wind hit it...I'm not even joking, ALL the smell left it. It is just totally scent-less...well almost scentless, but compaired to what it was literally 30 seconds before a gentle breeze hit it, it's empty.
Here it is, tied to my blind's draw string, keeping my statue of The Sacred Heart company.

Just realized that the back of the package has a description of the product, and it's funnier than anything I could even think of

"Withing the busy and confusing moments of everyday life, there are times we want to be grounded by our faith and have peaceful reminders. Now, with Sacred Scents (TM), you can find that quiet time while at the same time, your car is being gently refresehd with one our six heavenly scents"
Not a type-o, "One our six" is actually on it.

(no where does it say "DO NOT BREATHE NEXT TO THIS OBJECT" which I think should be in 72 sized font and read.)
Hang freely. Do not hang where the driver's view will be obstructed
Avoid contact with any surfaces in order to avoid staining (oh sh!t.)
Replace with a fresh Sacred Scents(TM) air freshener when the scent can no longer be detected.
CAUTION: Keep out of reach of children and pets (also, humans in general) Keep away from fod and drink. Do not set on wood surfaces (oh, crap) Contact with the fragrance may cause eye or skin irritation. If this occurs, rinse thoroughly with water."

If I ever get around to having a readership where I can have contests, the prize will be this.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Not Sure What the Theme of the Year Is Yet

But I hope that it's something along the lines of "bring the youth back to Mother Church"
because it looks like most of them are trapped in this mire:

I wish I could call this "kitschy" but only if "kitschy" can be another word for "Grab a rusy utility knife and ram it straight into my ears and eyes quality "worship" featuring sad kids jumping and weeping"

I always think it's interesting how the Holy Spirit seems to get tired halfway though one of these FIRE FALL songs. Watch how into it everyone is at the begining and then at the end how they're all half-assing it. Holy Spirit my aunt fanny....
I mean...what?


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Big Day For All Catholics Tomorrow!

I'm pretty excited for tomorrow, because The Year of Priests will be over and we'll get a new theme!

Now, I like priests, but I get sick of themes after day three hundred and sixty four. Anyhow...

I'll let you know what Poppa Benny decided tomorrow


THE WORLD CUP! And let's be honest, Italians, Portuguese, Spanish, Irish...they love 2 things: The Vatican and Pummeling Each other in Soccer
Or football for our international audience that doesn't exist.
You know what this means....

Jesus....why are you kicking it AWAY from the children?! What kind of a move is that?! And there is waaaay too much boy-thigh for this picture to make anyone comfortable no matter wth decade it is.

Several things. A) The top says "Inside, Offside, I'm always on YOUR side" WHAT THE HECK? Now the former fundie in my wants to say NO GOD'S NOT GOD IS NOT ON YOUR SIDE BECAUSE YOU COMMIT SINS AND GOD IS YOUR ENEMY AND NO ONE LOVES GOD! But now I just want to say "wtf?!"
B) Our Lord plays Soccer with a giant golf ball.
C) He also recently died His hair blonde, and looks almost like He's growing a play-off beard.

I kid you not, this picture was accompanied on a website discussing the verse about "Jesus Grew in Wisdom and in Stature". Apparenlty not enough wisdom to know not to use your NOSE to head a ball.

Ever since Our Lady of Fatima came around, it's been portugal, portugal, portugal in The Afterlife Cup. Personally, I think it's unfair that Jesus is allowed to use his anti-gravity shoes while competeing, but since the devil is probably cheating somehow, I'll allow it.

Not as obnoxious as the last soccer-rosary I posted but equally ugly and semi-blasphemous.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Catholics Do It Better

For Example:

"The Lord's Supper"

The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass


Rick Warren

Teresa of Avila


Queen of England

Queen of Heaven


Praise Band

Praise Life


Angry Fundamentalist Lutheran Radio

The Pope's Christmas CD!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Sunday Best--Cheesey Addition

They drop rose petals down at the pantheon on Pentecost to symbolize the Flames of the Holy Ghost.

I'll be honest, this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen

If there's one thing...

That I think when I see Pope JPII it's "God almighty I wanna lick that guy's face."
Isn't he just oozing sexuality?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Requiem Aeternam

Loved Rue.
Loved her in the Golden Girls.
Loved her in Nunsense the best.

Rest in Peace,
Thanks for making me laugh for 18 years.