Saint Anthony, Saint Anthony....

Tony tony come around something's lost and can't be found....

someone sent me an email called "Manga beatitudes" or something along those lines (might have been "anime beatitudes") and it got sent to my junk folder, promptly to be deleted as soon as I said "wait it's safe!" (oh, COMPUTERS!)

Anyway, if YOU were the one that sent it, could you do me a massive favor and send it again, it sounded funny....

Oh, and I suppose I owe the people that aren't that ONE INDIVIDUAL (step one on how to have a popular blog: blog to ONE SPECIFIC PERSON AND THAT PERSON ONLY) something awful

this is meant to be St. Francis.....

Found At Wal Mart

Featuring cartoon hulk hogan as pontious pilate.

No, i did not splurge the 5 bucks.

Back 2 Skool!

I miss back to school shopping where the total would be like 40 dollars, and not 1,500 for text books i'll never open.  Maybe this will make it easier.

I found this on a hungarian website.  Then I closed the tab and lost it.  Well, if they're reading they know who they are. Hé fiúk!

Christmas

Christmas at my house is a little different.  This is what's under the tree

Wish I was joking.

Two Questions

Question one:
Why does this exist?

Question two:
Why don't I have one?

It's the "soft and huggable" My Loving Jesus Doll.  "A Doll That Symbolizes the Love and Comfort of Jesus. 16 Inches tall tall and includes a short story written on a scroll for use as a tool for discussions about the life of Jesus."  

Words.  There are none.

In The Tradition of the Post Below!

Thank God for Wikipedia because I'd be lost without it.  Let's come and wade in the cesspool of Kitsch that is...

Santo Niño de Atocha

welcome to the very first edition of the Saint Kitsch Meancyclopedia of unnecessary folksy Catholicism.  Today we'll be discussing one of the scariest bits of Catholic kitsch, Santo Nino de Atocha, or Baby Jesus with Bucket.  Here's what wikipedia has to say

During the 13th Century, Spain was under the Umayyad. The town of Atocha was lost to the Muslim invaders, and the Christians there were taken prisoners. The Christians were placed on strict punishments and prohibitions, and the devout prisoners were denied food by their captors. Eventually, only children under the age of 12 were permitted to bring them food. The women of Atocha knew that most of the people in the jails could not survive under such conditions. They were praying before the statue of Our Lady of Atocha, they pleaded for the Blessed Virgin Mary to ask her son Jesus Christ for help.

Reports began to spread among the people of Atocha that a child under the age of twelve had begun to bring food to childless prisoners. The child was dressed in pilgrim's clothing.

When the women of Atocha heard of the miraculous Child, they returned to Our Lady of Atocha and thanked the Virgin for her intercession. Looking upon the image of the Madonna, they noticed that the shoes worn by the Infant Jesus held by Our Lady of Atocha were tattered and dusty. The shoes were replaced but were soiled once again. The people of Atocha saw this as a sign that the Infant Jesus went out every night to help those in need. It is said that he does many miracles, especially to children.

Well that's actually a really nice story.  I feel kind of guilty for making fun of it actually.  However, this beautiful event has been transformed into...

something that looks like the cover of a pack of tarot cards.

Mexican Catholic Barbie.  In which, I suppose, some lady probably named Maria has given Baby Jesus 2 dollars.  What does she think He's going to get with 2 dollars?  You can't get much more than 8 quarters with 2 dollars.

And finally, what may actually BE the like...definition of Catholic Kitsch:

There's too much to even begin to touch on.  You'll just have to explore for yourself.  Like.  Just keep looking.

And thus concludes the first article in my meancyclopedia.

Why I can't ever have children

I will think it's appropriate to put odd kitsch in a pinyata...pin-ya-ta (how in the mary magdalene do you spell that?) along with the candy.  

I've seen this picture of Jesus before, and I've never understood it.  Like, the Infant of Prague I get, but the infant Jesus in a prom dress holding a bucket never struck me as something that made a lick of sense.

Just like laundry

In Heaven, there will be a "whites only" section.

Look, here's the deal, I doubt that the world will end tomorrow, but if it does, I'll see y'all there.  We can hang out together in Heaven and make bitchy comments about what the saints are wearing behind their backs. "Really, St. Patrick, green AGAIN? who does he think he IS!"

You're welcome.

I scraped the bottom of the internet to bring you this.

Black velvet smurfy terminator looking Ecce Homo.  Just...there is so much to cover.

CAN YOU SPOT:

Wonky computer eye?

Weird hamster looking teeth in our Lord's mouth?

A sort of reversed image of "Blood like drops of sweat"

Spock-esque forehead?

Devil's tail? Moobs? Or is Our Lord in the fetal position?  

I just....mm.  I'll need a copy of this in my room in my Mansion in Heaven.

Do they have hoarders in Heaven?  Well, if not I'm sure I'll be the first.

So, I guess...

So I guess according to these people who are getting lots of press on the Christernet as of late the world is going to end in a week.  You know what, I just survived the WORST allergy season in recorded history.  I'm not worried about no apocalypse.  Come at me, bro.

Posting's been a bit light as of late because I've got a film project that's just wrapping up (four years of work! It ends this month!  Holy cow!) plus like I said allergy apocalypse just...ugh, when you can't breathe or speak or blink the desire to judgmentally criticize crappy art kind of goes out the window.  BUT NEVER FEAR! THE RAIN HAS COME AND I WILL BE BACK TO MY REGULARLY SCHEDULED JUDGING! 

I don't know how I feel about this

Lady Gaga.

Dressed as a communion wafer.

Deal with it.

This is one of the strangest things

This is one of the strangest things I've ever witnessed, ever.
Honestly it's like watching a joke.  "So, the pope and some cardinals walk into a gondola..."

Also: I would really like to know what they're talking about.  This whole scene plays out like a scene from The Real Housewives.

You know what would be a good idea...

A Jesus fish shower curtain.

NO.  NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.  THIS DID NOT NEED TO EXIST. 

Sunday Best

Happy Mother's day to my Mother! And yours!

Would it kill you to pick up the beads and call her?  She hasn't heard from you in decades!
(do you get it?  i hope you get it.)

Another reader submitted entry!

This one comes to us from Judy Contompasis who was doing the "wikipedia hop" and forgot what she was doing there in the first place and discovered Babe Ruth's tombstone.

Jesus. With RIPPLY legs.  And moobs.  And also, is a giant. With a cape.  Was he drunk when he ordered this? Or whoever did order it, I guess if he was dead he didn't have much of a say in the matter...

Thanks, Judy!

Out of Hand

You'll want to click to see the full sized image.

Ok, so, I was google image searching for "Church as the bride of Christ" because I remembered seeing a painting that was super pretty of it once...if I find it I'll post it

BUT

while browsing, I discovered this picture.  It started out OK with the wedding feast of Jesus and all the cool stuff....then the painter's artistic sentiments got left-behind (get it) and he abandoned it for a HORRIFYING depiction of the end of the world.

You know what

Childhood obesity is a serious problem, and the Mexican Catholic community really ought not to support it with images such as the Divino Nino de los Chubby Cheekia de los Cake.

Every few seconds

Every few seconds. This video just throws up a whole new level of terrible. I might be looking into mean person Heaven...

Like...I can't move on with my life after watching this...

The First Sunday After Easter

Is Divine Mercy Sunday

Which is one of my favourite days of the year, being the big sinner that I am.



Well, turns out that the instructions about making the image were not THAT specific, and indeed there were no regulations about the material that could be used so...

DIVINE MERCY SUNDAE!

DIVINE MERCY PANCAKES! (I can't even begin to tell you how much I want this...)

Divine Mercy Cake Wreck!

Actually, I think that cake is kind of cute....except my MANUAL FOR DEVOTION TO DIVINE MERCY (brought to you by Paranoid-Catholic Conspiracy Theorists for the consecration of Russia to the Immaculate Heart of Mary and the revealing of the third secret free literature program) would take offence because the "Jesus I Trust in You" is ABOVE the image, which is actually specified in the book to be blasphemy.  *sigh* there is nothing worse than an uppity free pamphlet.