This Didn't Take Long

Another Reader Submitted Entry

I really doubt I can add anything.  So I'm just going to leave this here.

I literally had to slap myself so I knew I wasn't dreaming.

Where can I buy this and why haven't I done so already?

From Outsider Friar

We Have to go Deeper

I suggest clicking and looking at the full version of this picture.  Because, and I'm not joking, every time you think you found the kitschy, most horrible, hideous part of the statue...and even the background...you discover another thing just a bit worse, it's infinite.  Infinite. 

The Sainty for Weirdest Event

The next award goes to a Saint who really made us "W" our "TF" 's...it's time for the Sainty for the weirdest event!
And the Sainty goes to....

SAINT DENIS

FOR

PREACHING WITH DECAPITATED HEAD IN HANDS

Denis was a third century bishop in Paris who was having a great success converting the pagan folks to Christianity.  The druid authorities (are there druid authorities?  i guess i'm picturing a bunch of wiccans kicking him out of their world of warcraft guild or something, it was probably scarier.) were angered by this and demanded his execution.  He was decapitated and is said to have (p.s. in case you're wondering i really do believe this.  Why wouldn't God, frankly? He's got a sense of humour and this proves it.) picked up his cut off head, his detaited capa, and marches for six miles preaching a sermon from his severed head until he gets to what is now the site of the basilica of St. Denis, where the king and queen of France would be laid to rest.  Congradulations to St. Denis of Paris for the strangest, most bizzare event in the life of a Saint.  Enjoy your Sainty.  Now please send your body up on stage to collect it, your head can stay seated if it's more comfortable. 

Get out of my life

Forgive me, but I feel the only caption appropriate for this image would be "And not a single f*ck was given that day."

LOOK AT IT.  LOOK. AT. IT.

Somewhere out there, the worst part of this story is, someone saw this and thought "that is so beautiful."

By the way, I just got a 4 foot statue of Our Lady of Grace for 50 bucks, regular price 150.  

In the words of Super Nanny

This is "unasseptible."  (seriously am I the only one that watches that show?  I'm up to 22 hours of television a day.)

Yesterday in Detroit, which will supply me for WEEKS of kitsch let me tell you, we stopped at a little mall called "oakland mall" which was pretty neat and turns out I love Macy's for more than the thanksgiving day parade...didn't buy anything though because I'm cheap.
ANYWAY not important (i shouldn't blog before breakfast) there was a kiosk in the middle of the mall selling belt buckles...and...like a vision of Heaven:
Tacky Jesus Belt Buckles
The Lord needs to be right above your penis.

Here is God the Father mourning over the loss of His Divine Son, WITH GLITTER.

If you can put glitter on it, put glitter on it!

Ok there's the blessed Virgin, with the phrase..."Heart Breaker" under her....just...let that sink in.  An LSD spiderweb that says FAITH, "I Am the Way the Truth and the Life" John 14:6, for your local "hip" fundamentalist pastor, an Our Lady of Guadalupe in the back (naturally.)  Jesus being nailed to the Cross in sepia, and then a clip art collection of Crosses.  

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!!~

The Bible! More clip art! Jesus in agony looking down at your nu-nu! An Ecce Homo with a distressed vintage look! The Sacred Heart! An actually neat silver Sacred Heart! 

BUT IF YOU CALL NOW WE'LL THROW IN...

CROSSES! PRAYING HANDS! A PRAISE THE LORD THING! ANOTHER BIBLE! AND 

GLITTER LIPS!

All for the low low price of just 40 effing dollars.  Merci, Detroit.  

Whitey McWhiterson

I sometimes wonder if the people in china that make these 5.99 statues that you can buy in bulk wonder what they're making at their slave labour compounds   factories.  I mean, clearly its an american but why are there baby heads with wings?  Who is this lady that's always folding her arms and why does she look like she's been given a triple dose of Valium?

Back 2 Skool!

I miss back to school shopping where the total would be like 40 dollars, and not 1,500 for text books i'll never open.  Maybe this will make it easier.

I found this on a hungarian website.  Then I closed the tab and lost it.  Well, if they're reading they know who they are. Hé fiúk!

You're welcome.

I scraped the bottom of the internet to bring you this.

Black velvet smurfy terminator looking Ecce Homo.  Just...there is so much to cover.

CAN YOU SPOT:

Wonky computer eye?

Weird hamster looking teeth in our Lord's mouth?

A sort of reversed image of "Blood like drops of sweat"

Spock-esque forehead?

Devil's tail? Moobs? Or is Our Lord in the fetal position?  

I just....mm.  I'll need a copy of this in my room in my Mansion in Heaven.

Do they have hoarders in Heaven?  Well, if not I'm sure I'll be the first.

JESUS CHRIST!

OH GOD! KIDS! NEVER MIND! WE CAN GO TO THE UN LATER, GET IN THE CAR!

On the plus side, this will make for a very entertaining sequel, i.e. Jesus V Gozilla.

Don't Eat While You're Watching This

Because you will vomit


Ok, let me walk you through it

A) Ignorance is bliss...well...ignorance is fury.
B) LOVE listening to a protestant not be able to tell the difference between the Virgin Mary and St. Therese
C) That is a perfectly lovely statue, how did this guy get a hold of it?
D) You know...at first I was going to talk about how silly it is that a lot (like, most) protestants can't tell the difference between worship and veneration.  But the I realized just how idiotic this whole mess is, so never mind.
E) Although the best part is when they turn muslim at the end chanting ALLAHUACHBHAR basically.

I think St. Therese is about to unleash a bouquet of something other than roses on this guy if he keeps that up.
Wait...what are the people in the crowd wearing?  are they muslims?  Wait, what's going on?  Now I'm confused.  One of them looks like a nun but no self respecting nun would have put up with that...
Hmm.  I should have planned this post a bit better shouldn't I?  I shouldn't blog before breakfast.

If He had one, He'd be rolling in it.

It's a tie-Dye-vine Mercy shirt

Well, at least you'll get a chance to explain what Divine Mercy is since every single person you meet that day will be asking "uhm...so....what...is....what are you wearing?" 

Why?

Why is it that so many statues of the Infant Jesus are just so God-awful ugly?

Thank you, Jesus.

If I ever get married, I am insiting that my wife walks down the aisle to this song. If she says no, the wedding is off.



Therefore, I will probably die alone with 70 cats  pugs



Actually, I would be willing to accept this as an alternative, however, I am endlessly disturbed by these two...uhm....Christians Americans are singing about how great Jesus is while rubbing themselves down and stuff. Something here isn't right. Actually, all that's here isn't right.

"So, what is your blog about?"

This.

Why I'm Happy to Be Catholic

We get stuff like this when times get tough.

If you're a baptist you're stuck with



Ugh.

Laughing Jesus

My least favourite "icon" is anything to do with a "laughing Jesus". Not that I don't think Jesus has a sense of humour, but mostly because, without exception, He looks like a psychopath in these pictures.







NO EXCEPTIONS.

Certianly not Catholic

But certainly bad enough for me to say some things so horrible I can never take them back.



Meet God's Dollz
The Jesusy alternative to Bratz.
Once you've finished rubbing glass in your eyes just to feel again, we'll continue

That's better.

Ok, so basically Bratz/barbies whatever teach little girls about what is pretty/important for girls. Which apparently is being kind of skanky, dying of anerexia, turning into Hedi Montag and getting a brand new face etc. etc. AND if your daughter is into bratz, then looking like a junky crack whore is also what is valued in the female.

I swear, if I ever have a daughter she'll only be allowed to play with statues of the Virgin Mary because at least I don't have to worry about those becoming "heroine chic"

Anyway, since those are not appropriate for Christian girls (and let's face it, 1 in 10 soon-to-be-disowned boys.) we've made "God's Girlz" which are only slightly less slutty. Since dolls are the idealized female, let's take a look at what Evangelical culture values in women:

Long hair that could use a flat iron and/or conditioner once and a while
A face that looks like a pick axe made out with it. Seriously?! Look at that nose. I bet it's like a rejected Bratz head stuck on a less deformed body.
Pooka shells. Really? I guess that's rebelious.........wait is she wearing them ironically?
A Kudos T-shirt. Naturally. they're made by the same company (Oh, how I love Je$u$)
Book bag, because women should learn. In that book bag, a copy of the origion of species with an introduction by Ray Comfort, a book by Mark Driscol on staying a virgin until your wedding and then becoming a freak-a-leak, and an iPod with illegally downloaded hillsong.
Caprice!

Protestant Horror Show Week-Day 4

Bonjour!

Today in St. Kitch's Frying Churchcus we are going to listen to the VOICE OF PROTESTANTISM, no, not Luther....

CRAPPY JESUS MUSIC!

WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*WARNING*
THE FOLLOWING ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS TO LISTEN TO.
IF YOU CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE CLICK ON THE EMERGENCY BUTTON
TO NULLIFY THE EFFECTS

>>>EMERGENCY<<<


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>>>EMERGENCY<<<



>>>EMERGENCY<<<



>>>EMERGENCY<<<



>>>EMERGENCY<<<



>>>EMERGENCY<<<




>>>EMERGENCY<<<>>>EMERGENCY<<<>>>EMERGENCY<<<>>>EMERGENCY<<<

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SCARY update: If you press play on each of them and start them all together....they almost sound.........good.........

Sunday Best

Oh crap how'd that last one get in there.....