Investigative Journalism

On Saturday the 26th I went to visit my Spiritual Adviser, Sister Marguerite of Jesus at the Carmel of St. Joseph  and it was the loveliest day of my life.

Here we are with her dog:

I'm the one in blue, if you couldn't tell.

Anyhow, I could tell you all about the wonderful things but that's not why you're here is it?!

THE GIFT SHOP.  Sorry, "Shoppe."

So the gift shoppe might not have been...exactly...open...when I went down there.  Because all the lights were off.  But listen, there's not much to do in a cloistered convent when you're alone and can't go chill with the nuns because they're eating, ok?

Glow in the dark holy family.  They also had glow in the dark Mary, Jesus, O.L of Fatima, St. Christopher and St. Padre Pio.  

The St. Therese wall.  With the most horrifying "busts" of St. Therese I had ever seen. 

"After my death I shall let fall from Heaven a shower of Roses.  Then eat your soul"

Seriously SHE HAS NO EYES.

The statuary cabinet which had plastic statues of the usual.  St. Francis, Padre Pio, St. Christopher.  I bought some nice books and a new rosary but stayed clear of the plastic statue of Blessed JPII.

These are the lengths I go to for you, readers.  I broke into a gift "shoppe" run by nuns to take pictures of their plastic statues that glow in the dark.  Luckily Sister Marguerite didn't care.

"Did you go downstairs?"

"Yes...is that ok?"
(with a "the most obvious thing in the entire world" tone) "....yes" 

"Ok, I saw some stuff I like down there actually."
"Alright, good, I want to see what's down there it's been a while since I've gone."

GUYS NUNS ARE THE BEST.

I can't decide

At first I thought "that's beautiful!" then I kept looking and thought "That's hideous beyond words."

Either way, a happy feast day to my beloved patron, Saint Therese!

I've posted this before, but it's a movie I made based on one of the plays of Saint Therese, feel like it's appropriate for today.

Now go out there and buy some roses if she didn't give you any!

The Sainty for Kitschiest Representation

The one dearest to my heart, the kitschiest representation, shall be the crown on the crowning of crowns.  The final, most important, Sainty goes to...my BFF, sister from another mister, St. Therese of the Child Jesus

Now, its not only this sad little dashboard version, but every reproduction of her basically ever.  Lets see what she ACTUALLY looked like (its neat being able to see a PHOTO of a saint, no?)

And now, lets see how she's been painted/statued etc.

Sweet God.  Ok you know what...this one got the facial features the closest:

Thanks for joining me for the Sainties!  We'll be back to our regularily scheduled judgement starting again on Monday because I have a very busy Sunday tomorrow

I'm feeling bitter.

I haven't mentioned in a while just how much I hate this movie. Like. There are no words. It turns a suffering servant of God into this:

A store manquin, nothing more or less.  If you like bad movies, watch it.  If you like Saint Therese watch this one instead:

Easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl

For fans of St. Therese that like her looking japanese, not in the least bit wearing a carmelite habit, and also in a hurricane.    Again, LOOK HOW MUCH THEY WANTED FOR THIS.  158 DOLLARS.  There's a reason I only buy statuary on sale.  

"Greatest Saint of Modern Times"

given a weed-filled bathtub shrine.  There aren't words.  This is one of those things that's more kitsch than kitsch is itself.

Don't get too excited

  Relax.  Although they might LOOK like salt and pepper shakers, two saints famous for mortification aren't about to help your food taste better.  These are not salt and pepper shakers, they are Gaul and Wormwood shakers.  Now unplug your nose and eat your boiled chicken puree, sister.

Guess where I'm headed

I'll give you a hint.

It's in Niagara Falls and rhymes with The National Shrine of Saint Merr-ezz.

Expect Tchotchkies.
Expect Tchotchkies.

Don't Eat While You're Watching This

Because you will vomit


Ok, let me walk you through it

A) Ignorance is bliss...well...ignorance is fury.
B) LOVE listening to a protestant not be able to tell the difference between the Virgin Mary and St. Therese
C) That is a perfectly lovely statue, how did this guy get a hold of it?
D) You know...at first I was going to talk about how silly it is that a lot (like, most) protestants can't tell the difference between worship and veneration.  But the I realized just how idiotic this whole mess is, so never mind.
E) Although the best part is when they turn muslim at the end chanting ALLAHUACHBHAR basically.

I think St. Therese is about to unleash a bouquet of something other than roses on this guy if he keeps that up.
Wait...what are the people in the crowd wearing?  are they muslims?  Wait, what's going on?  Now I'm confused.  One of them looks like a nun but no self respecting nun would have put up with that...
Hmm.  I should have planned this post a bit better shouldn't I?  I shouldn't blog before breakfast.

The Following Post's Language is Exceptionally Offesnsive...

...BUT I HAVE GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

Ok, so as you may/may not know I like to make movies in my spare time with friends and stuff and recently I made a movie based on a play by Saint Therese called The Triumph of Humility and I was checking to see where the views are coming from, right, and it tell you in the little blurb what keywords are being used to find it, what sites have embedded it on etc. etc. it's pretty neat HOWEVER

UPON CHECKING THIS VIDEO.

TURNS OUT NINE. COUNT IT, N I N E people have FOUND MY LITTLE ST. THERESE VIDEO while watching a video titled "Nun p*rn xxx - Two nuns want d*ck - sin awesome"

You can use your imagination to fill in those *'s.

uhm...EXCUSE YOU? I can't even BEGIN. I guess I'm happy that those weirdos watching something that depraved are being lead to St. Therese...but still...really youtube? How is "based on the play by Saint Therese" really related AT ALL to nun p*rn...hmm...

Even Jesus can't believe what He just read...

Look What I Made!

My Room...The Before Picture

"No, really, officer, I have no idea how the fire started."

Une Trailer de Movie-Film

Holla



That's what I'm working on, y'all!

ALERT THE CARMELITES

EMERGENCY
SOMEONE ALERT TAN PUBLISHING AND THE CARMELITE NUNS OF FRANCE



THIS RECENT ARCHEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY HAS REVEALED ST. THERESE IN FACT DID NOT DIE OF TUBERCULOSIS AS PREVIOUSLY BELIEVED BUT A MAJOR, MAJOR CASE OF JAUNDICE. Or possible eating too many bananas.

I've been on a Therese kick

as of late because i recently visited her shrine in niagara. Got to see some hardcore relics of her (hair, story of a soul...like it's a pretty important place)
she was one holy lady.

anyway, here's a picture of the kitchiest thing they had down there (other than in the gift shop. oh, lawd, the gift shop.)


bathtub shrine + pebbles + other people's rosaries hanging off her neck + dead roses + dollarama fake roses + candles with old people's photo's taped to them = a good day.

uuuuugugghhhhhhh i wish i was still THERE!

Therese is rolling in her reliquaries.

Ok, if these are the people who got the roles, I do NOT want to see the auditions that didn't make it.
I'm also about 90% sure that the guy playing Mon. Martin wrote, directed and produced the movie (which, if anyone's ever seen The Room knows is a recipie for success.)
One day, I will make a good St. Therese movie. Mark my words. Actually...one day I will make *a* Saint Therese movie is probably more accurate.

***UPDATE: I hope you did mark those words because Feb. 8th 2011, my Therese movie comes out, so WATCH IT MY DEAR AMIES.***

My dream house!

Why God will never let me win the lottery:
"THAT INCREDIBLY CREEPY/DISTRESSING STATUE OF JESUS IS ONLY 9000 DOLLARS. IT'LL FIT IN THE CAR, RIGHT?"

Happy Saint Therese Day!

The september/october overlap certainly has a LOT of holiness all up in thurr...st. michael, st. therese...st. francis in a couple days.





Anyway time for some cute overload!

which you can buy from here
THIS IS ADORABLE. For reals. Look at the little button roses....aww....who'd ever wanna give sometwing dwis cwoot tubercwuwosiwsis...



BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!




i can just see it now...playing heaven doll house with my chillens by a crackling fire on christmas eve while the missus is contemplating suicide from her meaningless existance of cooking and cleaning....but mostly me doing some cheesey high pitched voice pretending to be st. therese having tea with st. agustine...
(both of those can be bought here)
AND THIS ONE IS JUST SO CRAFTY. First prize at the Bubmblehumble Towne Folk and Craft Festival...now for awarding some blue ribbon PUMPKIN PIE!!



Oh, Christ, I think I'm ovulating...QUICK I GOTTA SAY SOMETHING MEAN...uhm........uhmmmmm.....
AAAH!! my MEAN MUSCLE IS BUSTED...
DARN YOU THERSE AND YOUR BLASTED EFFECTIVE PRAYERS AND CONSTANT INTERCESSION. DARN. YOU!

Enjoy, sinners.