Kitschmas-Day 3

This is like porn for me.

Christmas porn. XXXmas.
Skip to 8:35 to the Kitschmas overload.



WHERE IS MY PHONE? WHERE IS MY CREDIT CARD! I CAN'T DEAL WITH IT.

Kitschmas-Day 2

Whoever made this,



you're out of the club.


actual product description:
"Large Christmas Inflatable featuring Noah's Ark and some of his animal freinds. This inflatables is about 7 feet 9 inches long. Overhead arch proclaims a familar message of Christmas ....."Joy to the World". The entry door to the ark opens and closes and reveals an animated lion and a bear. Proclaim a Biblical marvel this Christmas Season with this Noah's Ark Christmas Inflatable. A guaranteed hit for all children"

And lo, three wisemen came from the East, but didst drown in the Flood.

Kitschmas-Day One

Let's kick this festival of holiday horrors off with my least favourite decoration ever.

the kneeling santa.
because nothing says "we believe in the real meaning of CHRISTmas (and you know anyone who has this chachky spells Christmas CHRISTMAS and refuses to write "x-mas" but instead writes "C-mas" even though C-Mas sounds like a sexually transmitted disease...but I digress) like having Santa present at the birth of Our Lord.
Because Santa Claus came before Jesus was born.
Hmm...something doesn't seem right about that.

KITSCHMAS.

IT'S THE BIG ANNOUNCEMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.

SAINT KITSCH PRESENTS: KITSCSHMAS.

I love Christmas. So this year, as a gift to the internet (you're welcome.) I will post something remarkably wretched and festive every day during the season of Advent.

The religious, the secular, the wtf-ular, it'll all be slapped up on here to be adored and fondled by you, dear readers.

Now, here's the fun part, I WANT YOU TO HELP ME. If you manage to find some christmas kitsch anywhere on the internets, or even have some Christmas decoration from the bowels of hell take a picture and send it to me at fbooth2@uwo.ca and I'll post it here.

Together, we can make this the worst Christmas ever.

Dear Santa,

love, frank

p.s. actually I kind of want this...

p.p.s COME BACK TOMORROW MORNING FOR A VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR....well, it won't change your life. but do come back and see!!

STAY TUNED

Listen, sinners,

I've got a big announcement about this blog coming up pretty soon, as in this SATURDAY NOVEMBER 27. So you all better come and check what's what that day!

Oh and...enjoy this too I guess

Jesus love you long time.


....ok I'm certainly going to hell after that.

I guess when you don't have a vatican, the budget is tight

I really wish I could talk like an evangelical. I feel like I would be more assertive on the bus and stuff. "I waaas-a goinnnng-a to siiiit theeeeeere-a" or at the movie theater "can you-a pleeeeeeeeeeease-a gettta your foooot-a off-a my-a seeeeeee-aaat-a amenhallejuihahahahhhaapriaseGod-a" but luckily I cannot.

Anyway, this is the saddest display of the "power of god" I have ever seen.


found on christian nightmares
stay tuned until 1:50 for the most devestating thing I've ever seen.

Now I know I said...

I know I said I'd be too busy to blog for about a week,
but this is a special circumstance.

Ladies and gentlemen.

I present to you.

Wait for it.



Justin Bieber's Christian Rock Song.
Note the "COEXIST" symbols floating around him.
Sweet precious baby mary magdalence I think I can hear Jesus coming back on His cloud of glory just to put an end to this.

You may now commence tying your noose. Remember to pick a high point to jump off of, or else it might not work. And that would just be embarassing.

Just a heads up

I'll be a little M.I.A for the next little while being that I've got projects and essays and exams coming out my pee-hole so the kitsch side of my life might have to take a back seat to the...you know....reality side. (I'm not impressed either) but anyway...I will try to update because i hate when blogs just go offline for forever and a day without any explination.

So be patient please! Plus there's a big announcement coming that should tide you sinners over.

Correct me if I'm wrong

but I feel as though there's something...how can I say this...weird about statues of saint michael, being that the devil is under his foot. You can't kiss the saint's feet without planting one on the devil...and in this font you're basically sticking your fingers in the devil's tears...

True Story

My biology prof actually thinks I'm one of these people



Good to know we can still have intelligent debate.
These people's Jesus privileges need to be revoked

Sweet Mater Delorosa...

Ok then WHAT is the alternative because I certainly don't want to spend my eternity surrounded by people in sequinced togas having picnics with a bunch of cracker-jack white bread hill billies. I've spent enough time on earth doing that.
And there is a looooooot of hippy free-love humpage going on in Heaven...

and wait....
wait....
hold the phone kids...
Did I just...
yes, children, at 3:16 in the video...that's the effing magic painter.

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

So you should probably move...



All well and true, but if this was the old testament you would have been put to death for talking out of turn, woman.

If you can put glitter on it, you should.

Physical kitsch is all well and good, but you know what we need a bit more of here?
Virtual Kitsch.


(this video must be listened to while looking at the following to get the full effect)

For Christmas This Year I Would Like....

An infant virgin mary.
she looks just about the right size to fit in my stocking.

Adventures in Missing the Point

Now, I don't wanna get all theological on your asses, but if you buy this you're going straight to Hell.

It is the world's most expensive advent calender, at one million USD, within it are things like fancy-pants watches, fancy-pants TV's...25 of them which you open until the birth of our Lord and Saviour in a barn to a family afflicted with poverty and soon to lose everything they had by fleeing to a foreign country to save the life of their Child...you know what, it's a long story, just enjoy your new TV, because if life has taught me ANYTHING its that the only thing that can ease the suffering of human brokeness is posessing more things...
Merry Christmas!

Watching the following video comes with a 95 day indulgence

I'm sure the blessed virgin would be spinning in her grave if she hadn't been assumed into Heaven...



from here

St. Douche of Baggington

Remember the tea-bagger that did this painting?
Well guess what, kids, he's back and "better" than ever.




IT HAPPENED, PEOPLE, IT HAPPENED.

p.s. that guy looks sad because he just had to choose between having a house or getting his wife's breast cancer dealt with.

I AM SO HAPPY GOD PUT ME IN CANADA.

Like a glorious vision...

The Lord God has informed me, by means of this video, that when I'm in Purgatory, instead of sitting on hot coals and the like, I will be forced to be a youth pastor for 20,000 years. It is a fate worse than death.

and a quick p.s. david might have danced for the Lord, but please note that that was under very special circumstances, namely not being a white person.

and another note: 2:20 into the video is the cruelest thing i've ever seen. the man in the front row most certainly won't be doing any Jesus leaning. He's about to kick someone in the "toof", and it probably won't be the devil.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

So get ready for Christmas with my OCD (obsessive compulisve dissorder) OCD (obsessive Catholic devotee)at-least-the-outside-is-clean kit!

buy it!

for those who love the Infant Jesus (i'm looking at you Therese)

it even glows in the dark for where the sun don't shine!

buy it!
For the saint who wants to be sexy

buy it!
And finally, for the scrupulous who loves to scrub

which you can buy here.

There you have it! Now there is no reason for a crusty Christian! Recieve Communion on the tongue without any self-consciousness! Hold your arms open dramatically without pinning your pits down! Go ahead and hug your pew-neighbour during the peace even though he was CLEARLY holding out his hand, after all, you smell good now!

There are no words

Except for maybe "ugly"