Keep It Classy Crusty Christ

How did this happen?!

GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH.

so some bitchy ice cream company run by a bunch of eye-talians (said like my neighbour who is under the impression that italians are from eye-tally) decided to advertise their ice cream with a bunch of priests and nuns molesting eachother and stuff. Here's the deal, it pisses me off on a couple different levels.

Read about it here

1) It's kind of a cheap-shot to jump right to offending catholics by having priests and nuns all sexy and stuff. It's, to quote Ms. Katy Perry (speaking of sexy, amiright?...too soon? anyway) like a comedian telling a fart joke. Getting people angry to sell products is basically what glenn beck does every single night. So congradulations.



2) have you EVER seen a priest or a nun that was that attractive? One doesn't get breast implants or work out like 80 hours a day just to go off and take a vow of celebacy. That's called poor time management.

3) I am actually angry over the ads. I know that's the point, but seriously. It just makes me angry that "who should we offend?" "OOOH! THE CHRISTIANS!" is pretty much everyone's first trick...I would like to see a shwarma company advertise by having some ladies in burkas touching eachother's titties with the caption "Allah-hoor smack-bar." or something more clever. THEN we could talk about "free speech"

4) And finally, it makes me angry because they clearly did NO research into what catholics are like in anyway. If a priest wore a rosary he'd probably get in trouble from the old ladies in his congregation, nuns have buzz cuts, most just wear cardigans and clogs not full length habits. I AM OUTRAGED. OUTRAGED.

Really?

Really? ...Really? There was an actual meeting in which someone said "hey you know what'd be a good idea..."

But what if you're more of an "fall" colour gal?

Making A Revision to the Litany

Warrior Prince Academy from Introspect.tv on Vimeo.

From the world, the flesh, the crafts and assults of the devil, contempt of Thy Word, and from a shitty/terrifying VBS with homo-erotic imagery...
Good Lord deliver us

Princess Prep School from Introspect.tv on Vimeo.

p.s. if your son wants to go to the God's special princess VBS....do they stone him to death?

OH and another p.s. i get reeeeeeeeeally sick of that "YOU ARE A WARRIOR FOR JESUS" stuff. I know its in the bible but it just......in a country where having a gun is a protected right it makes me nervous, along with the whole "God made you a special princess!" which means buying them things that are pink and fluffy that say I AM A SPECIAL PRINCESS on it. I don't think asserting your self worth as being a snobby, pink princess really jives well with the idea of self-sacrifice in Christianity. and I'll just leave it at that.

Dear Santa,

Is it possible?

This is in the running for BEING the often talked about Saint Kitsch...

NOW can I eat lunch with you guys?

Behold Father Wantstofitin in his quest to.....seriously wtf is he on about?
I think this video might be a recording of the official death of Hipster Chrstianity. We can only hope.

Sunday Best: The Assumption of Mary

I LOVE THIS FEAST DAY SO HARD.

The Gospel of Saint Kitsch, Chapter 8

"And Jesus, turning unto His followers, did say "I'm out of here. For reals. You have no idea how bad i've wanted to get out of here for the past 30 years. You guys suck, really. I mean...Peter, come on. My mom's the only cool one here. She's the only one that gets me...OH SERIOUSLY THOMAS ARE YOU DOUBTING RIGHT NOW?" and Thomas replied replying "Lord, thou seemest grumpy." and Jesus spake saying "Going up!" and did snap His fingers up into the heavens like unto Sabrina the Teenaged Witch. And Lo, from Heaven came a choir of winged baby heads, along with a Great Big Sea cover band, and He did ascend upwards into the Heavens to be seated at the right hand of the Father. And all the disciples did sneaky peek up His dress. And Jesus cried out "Oh, yeah, and I'm with you always and all that junk."
Amen, Amen, Amen.

The Gospel of Saint Kitsch, Chapter 7

And after He was raised, Jesus did go to His disciples, and Thomas spake saying "Lord I will not believe it is truly Thee unless I may place my finger inside of thy side." And Jesus concented, and Lo, all about them did gather all the disciples, and they spake saying "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!! Uggh!! ugh!! Oh, OH MY GOD EWWWW DUUDE WHAT THE FFFFFF---" and Jesus spake saying "I KNOW RIGHT! Wiggle it around!" And Thomas did wiggle verily, and they all threw back their heads in laughter and disgust. And Jesus stretched forth His hand and said "Speak, I command Thee, to the hand, for the Face hath not ears to hear." And the disciples did all say "Jesus, that's gross."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 6

And Saint Kitsch didst say "I shall not have anything making fun of a painting of the Cross, for even I have limits."
And Jesus did go down unto Hell, and took with Him three ugly angels, who all the while said "art we there yet?", while Jesus replied five and five score "no."
And upon arriving, Jesus called unto the souls in torment saying "behold! I have brought you anglo-catholics something to blog about. For Lo, here is a crucifix I got on ebay, and again Lo, here is a processional crucifix." And the souls of them in torment did kneel and pray, and Jesus did snap His fingers, and nodded His head. Then he took the souls in torment and brought them up into heaven, saying "Thou art all very chubby for having been in Hell for eleven thousand years."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 5

"And Jesus gathered up His disciples in the Upper Room and spake saying "I have longed to share this meal with thee." And the disciples replied replying "What eatest we?" And Jesus spake saying "We are having tostitos and a crispy Chihuahua." And John didst sigh heavily and cast himself upon the lap of Jesus and cried out with a loud voice "OH LORD! Thou knowest I am a vegan, and yet Thou preparest a banquet upon which I can only eatest the tostitos!" And the other disciples did argue amongst themselves as to if John's vegan diet was of stupidity, or of value. And Jesus spake saying "Judas, what fiddelest thou with?" And Judas replied "Rabbi, I am seeing if I have any change in my murse for a cola, for thou must know I am of great thirst." And Jesus did cry out with a loud voice "I spent all day over a hot oven, and thou hast all given me not but grief. If thou likest it not, I care not for thy whining, for there are starving children in Babylon." And Jesus wept."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 4

"And Jesus went up unto the retirment village with his disciples to visit the elderly. And the disciples spake, saying "O, good and gentle Jesus, would that we hadest a wheel chair upon which to place these gentlemen" And Jesus spake saying "O, ye's of little faith's. For canst thou not see that I needest not a wheel chair to take these men about, for I am entertaining enough here as it is. For Lo, high above me resteth several winged baby heads. And they shall be my back up singers." And Peter spake saying "LORD, why wouldst thou needest back up singers?" And Jesus replied replying "patty-cake patty-cake bakers-man. Bakest me a cake as fast as thou canst. Pat it, roll it, marketh it with a B, and putteth it in the oven for Mary and Me." And the elderly gentlemen were verily amused and didst mimck with Him, but the disciples were sore embarassed, and didst hide their faces."

The Gopel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 3

"And Jesus, full of the Spirit, didst make His way into the desert where He ate of nothing for 40 days and 40 nights, after which He was of grumbily tumbily. And as He walked along He saw a miniture city, a township if you will, being of hadsome stone and quaint furnishings. And Behold, Lord Voldemort didst apparate before Him, and spake saying "Jesus, if thou art the King of Kings, then thou shalt be able to shrink down and go into the miniture township." And Jesus spake saying "BE GONE! For thy form is like unto ugliness, and thou hast no aliby which may excuse thee." And Lord Voldemort did depart from Him, and two funny looking angels didst applaud, for the show had been magnificent."

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 2

And behold, there came a man from the wilderness called John the Baptist, and he was of rugged and hadsome good looks, and for many years had been the name which had been writ upon the notebooks of various school girls. Two of these girls came to him by the river and spake saying "JOHN, wilt thou goest into the water that we mayest see thy abs?" and John spake saying "Women, why wouldst thou have me be wet? For surley thou canst see that I am not taylor lauterner or whatever that kids name is." And they did squeel with glee. And Jesus came down from Galilee to see John the Baptiser and spake unto him saying "Wilt thou baptise me John?" and Lo, didst gay rumours float about John the Baptiser for the rest of his days.

The Gospel According to Saint Kitsch, Chapter 1

"In the 6th month, the LORD sent His angel Gabriel before Mary, and the angel spake unto mary, saying "Long distance message, wilt thou accept the charges" and Mary spake unto the angel saying "Yea, Verily." And the Angel spake saying "Hail, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee" and Mary spake saying "Hold on one moment, for thou can surley see that I am in the midst of praying the Divine Office of the Church of England." And the angel spake saying "It's alright, I can wait." And Mary spake saying "Alright, go ahead what is it then?" and the angel spake saying "Thou shalt concieve and bare a Son and thou shalt name Him Jesus, though thou art a Virgin nothing shall be found impossible for God." And Mary spake saying "Wait, what? No, no you're f*cking with me right? Come oooooon...am I on punk'd? Where's Ashton?"

Be Attitude

This will make more sense after you click on the picture to see the full version.


And Lo, the wise man saith unto Baby Jesus, "O, Baby Jesus, wouldst that Thou wouldst putter there!" and Baby Jesus saith unto him "up top, down Lo, to the side, too slow". And His Mother spake, saying "would that thou hast given me something other than a basket of diapers, for verily verily I say unto you, He Has Enough Already. Likewise, verily verily who hath invited this sassy gay jug handler. For lo, he hath reffered to me as "guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl" 16 times today alone, and I am faint with annoyance." And the camle handlers did cast off their robes.
The Gospel Accoarding to Saint Kitch, Chapter 2 verses 1-4.


COMING SOON TO SAINT KITSCH: THE GOSPEL ACCOARDING TO SAINT KITCH WEEK, BEGINNING AUGUST 8 ENDING ON AUGUST 14TH IN HONOUR OF OUR LADY'S ASSUMPTION.

This is funny

No bitchy comments needed, it speaks for its own hilarious self.

Creative Fundraising

You learn something new everyday, and my something new today was something called "pagan babies"
aparently the Catholic schools used to raise money for missions by bringing in money to save pagan babies, and every 10 dollars meant a pagan baby was saved and you got to name the baby.

Come along you foul little ethnic looking creatures and let the Holy White man feed you. P.s., little eskimo looking pagan baby, there are going to be about five million Christian hipsters circa 2010 that will have that *exact* haircut and will talk about "the new monasticism" while getting tattoos of fish and drink 500 dollar "fair trade" coffee. Which your chillen's'll probably have grown!

HOLD THE PHONE.

10 dollars? That's it?! Sign me the hell up, that sounds like a great deal.
Oh, sorry you don't get to keep the soul of the baby yourself?
F*ck.
Well there goes that idea.

P.S. if my Church ever did a "pagan baby" fund. Holy sh*t balls I'm afraid I'd end up spending like 300 bucks. I'm a sucker babies of all kinds. Especially chubby ethnic.