This Didn't Take Long

Christ the King!

Behold Jesus! King of the circus!  Able to balance 3 crowns on His head and walk across a tightrope! 

And for His next trick He will balance 6 spinning chalices on 4 foot poles!

Essays are complete! Let's judge!

Well, today I hand in my I-beg-your-pardon-why-do-you-hate-me-professors essays and therefore am now able to judge other people's devotion.

And believe it or not, this is not a set from the upcoming remake of Stephen King's "Carrie" it's someone's home altar.  At least that's what it appears to be based on my google search criteria.

At first I thought "oooh that's beautiful!" Then I started looking.  

KITSCH CHECK LIST:

>Statues wearing rosaries as necklaces (check)

>Terrifying depiction of Our Lord's suffering (check)

>Dead flowers. (Check)

>Our Lady wearing a crown three times the size of her head (check)

>Floating baby heads with wings (check)

>Baby Jesus. (check)

And for extra credit, there's a teddy bear, sitting on Jesus' shoulder.

I'm sorry, this crossed the border lands of art and kitsch, and now it dwells in my valley.

The 80's Were Rough for Everyone

As if it wasn't bad enough Our Lord got a terrible perm, He also happened to wear what might be the ugliest robe in existence, and Twisted-Sister style makeup to the yearbook photo shoot...

You know in 20 years He'll look back and laugh and laugh but for now He'll just have to hide His student card...

My blog spores

Like the mold spores that are spread that make a slice of bread blue, some weird kind of defecation from the collection of Catholic kitsch has taken place and collected itself on the following

Good Lord, deliver us.  What have I unleashed?

Get out of my life

Forgive me, but I feel the only caption appropriate for this image would be "And not a single f*ck was given that day."

LOOK AT IT.  LOOK. AT. IT.

Somewhere out there, the worst part of this story is, someone saw this and thought "that is so beautiful."

By the way, I just got a 4 foot statue of Our Lady of Grace for 50 bucks, regular price 150.  

Happy Ascension Sunday!

Here is the most brilliantly lazy statue of the Lord ever created.  That, or a very have statue on the floor above has finally fallen through.

Two Questions

Question one:
Why does this exist?

Question two:
Why don't I have one?

It's the "soft and huggable" My Loving Jesus Doll.  "A Doll That Symbolizes the Love and Comfort of Jesus. 16 Inches tall tall and includes a short story written on a scroll for use as a tool for discussions about the life of Jesus."  

Words.  There are none.

You're welcome.

I scraped the bottom of the internet to bring you this.

Black velvet smurfy terminator looking Ecce Homo.  Just...there is so much to cover.

CAN YOU SPOT:

Wonky computer eye?

Weird hamster looking teeth in our Lord's mouth?

A sort of reversed image of "Blood like drops of sweat"

Spock-esque forehead?

Devil's tail? Moobs? Or is Our Lord in the fetal position?  

I just....mm.  I'll need a copy of this in my room in my Mansion in Heaven.

Do they have hoarders in Heaven?  Well, if not I'm sure I'll be the first.

JESUS CHRIST!

OH GOD! KIDS! NEVER MIND! WE CAN GO TO THE UN LATER, GET IN THE CAR!

On the plus side, this will make for a very entertaining sequel, i.e. Jesus V Gozilla.

Easter.

Throughout my whole life, I've been in a serious battle. Does Easter mean Big time Jesus time? or does Easter mean big time chocolate time?

I am no longer fighting this battle.

What ever you do, don't nail Him to anything

Or He'll pop and that might be even more disturbing than this already is

I guess after the gore-fest that is Mel Gibson's passion the only place to go is fake-blood filled balloons that'll bathe the whole church for the Stations.

Oh and by the way I didn't notice how very...uhm...natural Jesus is here until I already posted it.

Workin' Out With Jesus!

Hey fatties!  If you're like me, you've just realized you failed to meet your January diet deadline.  For serious I was trying to loose 20 pounds...not that I'm obese or anything I just wanted to look a little less puffy, and I was doing great and lost 15 and was getting compliments then I just decided oh whatever and gave up.  Anyway, down 15 pounds, but how to get rid of that last 5 to finally get the figure I've always wanted?
THE LORD!

See, how well His Sacred Heart diet plan works?

First a little yoga...

In through the nose.........out through the nose.........look inward.

Then some bicep reps

Lift!  No...look...LIFT...ugh....I'm not going to spot you if you're just going to fart around....LIFT.

Then, push ups.

Look, just because you're the Divine Son of God and God the Son does not mean you get to show off how you can do push ups on the air in front of you.  Some of us are a little self conscious about having to do them the "girl" way, ok?

Then, some dancing for cardio!

"When you call my name, it's like a little prayer, I'm down on maaah knees I wanna take you there....come on!  One, two, shuffle step, four.....in the midnight hour I can feel your power...."

And finally, the most difficult part of His workout...

"No dessert, thank you, I'm full."

Well it happened with Vampires

If after you have finished your painting of Jesus you think "I'd date that guy" start over.

Maybe someone can write some shepherd-fetish chick-lit called Wool-lite or something and they can use this as the cover.

The Following Post's Language is Exceptionally Offesnsive...

...BUT I HAVE GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

Ok, so as you may/may not know I like to make movies in my spare time with friends and stuff and recently I made a movie based on a play by Saint Therese called The Triumph of Humility and I was checking to see where the views are coming from, right, and it tell you in the little blurb what keywords are being used to find it, what sites have embedded it on etc. etc. it's pretty neat HOWEVER

UPON CHECKING THIS VIDEO.

TURNS OUT NINE. COUNT IT, N I N E people have FOUND MY LITTLE ST. THERESE VIDEO while watching a video titled "Nun p*rn xxx - Two nuns want d*ck - sin awesome"

You can use your imagination to fill in those *'s.

uhm...EXCUSE YOU? I can't even BEGIN. I guess I'm happy that those weirdos watching something that depraved are being lead to St. Therese...but still...really youtube? How is "based on the play by Saint Therese" really related AT ALL to nun p*rn...hmm...

Even Jesus can't believe what He just read...

The Holy Face

Yesterday I watched this incredible documentary on the True Face of Jesus from the history channel. It's on Youtube if you want to watch it, if you're interested in the Shroud of Turin it's really a great show...anyway this is what they came up with as the face of Jesus

But, like any good Catholic I know that just cannot be...I mean...look how BROWN He is...this will simply not do! Whiter!

NO NO NO! WHITER!

WHITER I SAY! WHITER!

Oh...too far...uhm...m'am...can I get you a razor?

Dear Sinners,

I will be going on vacation this week.

I'm going here:

and i'm VERY EXCITED but that means I won't be here to blog until the 27th, so just enjoy what's here. Thanks for visiting!

In the mean time...to tide you worldly, sinful, chillens over




mmmmmmm......

A little off

There's just something off about having this


I suppose it could remind you to pray while you smoke...
but it still just doesn't seem right to use the Holy Name to light up a ciggy.

Better than a good confessor

I can tell literally ever I need to know about you based on your reaction to this atrocity. If you thought "how beautiful!" we can be BFF's.

If I had a crest, I am sure the latin motto around it would be

If you CAN put glitter on it.
Put glitter on it.

If loving this is wrong

I don't wanna be right.

as kitschy and god-awful as it is, I still kind of like it...it has its charms....